More depressing news from me I'm afraid, I don't seem to post any happy stuff on this blog, sorry about that. I've put off posting for a bit because I've been plagued with one problem and I didn't really wanna post about it, thinking it would go away but it hasn't. I'm hoping that by getting this out there I will miraculously relieved of this ever increasing burden I'm feeling. If you don't fancy being depressed/bored out of your skull, look away now.
In a previous post I mentioned another inconvenient infatuation, an annoying reality for a lot of us I imagine but when you're a gay guy falling for a straight guy, there are, obviously, major problems at play. I've only really noticed my infatuation for this guy late last month (January) so it's a fairly recent thing and I will hopefully get over it very soon. But you know what it's like when you like someone, you think about them all the time, you'll try and spend as much time as possible with them and, failing that, texting or facebook are used a lot - already doing these. A lot.
So, problem number 1 is how your object of your affection perceives you, because that will undoubtedly effect everything; the way you act, talk, think, everything. I didn't tell the guy how I felt at first, that in itself has a minefield of issues, the main one being how will they react? But as I've said, I did eventually tell him and he was fine with it and has not treated me any differently which I do think is a good thing because, regardless of everything else or how I'm feeling, we're friends and I wouldn't want that to change. At the moment nothing has really changed s there isn't much of a problem there but with the texting and time spent with him I am in constant fear of changing that which would really upset me.
Problem number 2 is me. The way I act and talk with/around him is under constant scrutiny - by myself. If I do this, say that, send this, blah, blah, blah, how will he react and will it cause a problem friend-wise? This kind of thinking leads to over-thinking immensely to the point where I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep because I think about stuff before bed and when I wake up in the morning which creates a kind of perpetual hell. I've been through this before and I have learned some lessons but the fact that it can effect me so much and make a good day turn bad (today for example), or a bad day turn worse and the fact that it can really upset me and make me feel a bit depressed annoys me and I just get angry with myself.
Ultimately, what I want is to stop having feelings for this guy and to just carry on as normal, as friends but neither my stupid head nor heart will allow that, for now at least. It's things like this that make me have really negative views of love, it's something that can take over and it's something so far out of your control that you have no hope of sorting it out properly yourself. It also really angers me because in the past, as well as now, it has created problems between myself and friends and puts me in a constant state of paranoia because the last thing I want to do is scare away my friends.
Anyway, that's more than enough of that and I'm sorry for going on about it in the first place. Just needed a chance to rant it out, it could have been worse, this could have been a Valentine's day post - how depressing would that be?
Thanks for reading,
Liam x
Showing posts with label Lovelife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lovelife. Show all posts
17/02/2012
27/07/2011
The Single Life...
I would like to take this opportunity to talk about 'singledom'. There are so many people out there talking about the benefits of it and films showing the benefits (sometimes literally...) and, if I'm totally honest, I am content being single, borderline happy.
There is one major obstacle to my happy singledom however and that is practically everyone around me. That's right, the "it's not me, it's YOU" defence, it's simply not my fault. In Barry (where I am spending my summer) many of the people around me are in a relationship and so, of course, have less time for me. Frustrating! Yes, yes, this does appear to be jealousy but is it really? Am I jealous that my friends' attentions are elsewhere or am I mourning time lost with said friends because of their relationships? No matter which way you look at it, it is envy. Though interestingly I'm not totally envious that they're in relationships (we'll come back to this later). I'm envious that my friends' partners have been highly prioritised - and rightly so, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel left out! This problem also spreads to Aberystwyth, my uni town, where people there are also in relationships and this forces me to reflect.
Why am I so alone? That might be one of the questions I ask myself, but I shan't - utterly pointless question, I still have friends and family and blah, blah, blah so I'm not entitled to feel lonely but because everyone around me is happy with a 'significant other' I can't help but put my childish attitude first. Where's my significant other?! He's got one, I want one tooooooo! And then throw the mother of all tantrums which probably answers the leading question...
I hope that this post has not come across as me being mope-y, that isn't the case! I am merely ranting. It's healthy to rant, well that's the excuse I'm using anyway.
Don't be afraid to comment people, it's nice to hear from you!
Diolch am ddarllen,
Liam x
There is one major obstacle to my happy singledom however and that is practically everyone around me. That's right, the "it's not me, it's YOU" defence, it's simply not my fault. In Barry (where I am spending my summer) many of the people around me are in a relationship and so, of course, have less time for me. Frustrating! Yes, yes, this does appear to be jealousy but is it really? Am I jealous that my friends' attentions are elsewhere or am I mourning time lost with said friends because of their relationships? No matter which way you look at it, it is envy. Though interestingly I'm not totally envious that they're in relationships (we'll come back to this later). I'm envious that my friends' partners have been highly prioritised - and rightly so, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel left out! This problem also spreads to Aberystwyth, my uni town, where people there are also in relationships and this forces me to reflect.
Why am I so alone? That might be one of the questions I ask myself, but I shan't - utterly pointless question, I still have friends and family and blah, blah, blah so I'm not entitled to feel lonely but because everyone around me is happy with a 'significant other' I can't help but put my childish attitude first. Where's my significant other?! He's got one, I want one tooooooo! And then throw the mother of all tantrums which probably answers the leading question...
I hope that this post has not come across as me being mope-y, that isn't the case! I am merely ranting. It's healthy to rant, well that's the excuse I'm using anyway.
Don't be afraid to comment people, it's nice to hear from you!
Diolch am ddarllen,
Liam x
13/07/2011
It's all coming together...
Life, at the moment, is most definitely on the up! This summer is turning out to be a good one as it seems that things are starting to work out for me. My new found happiness began with the publication of my second year Uni results. I was dreading them and was sure that I would have to do at least one resit. One of my second year modules International Political Theory Today was extremely difficult, I'm not really into the theoretical side of International politics, too many names and dates and schools and theories, I just hated it! Come revision time I put this module off almost completely as I had no idea what to do and only two days before the exam did I realise that I had a book that explained everything there is to this module so I crammed. To cut a long story short I had a panic attack and so though it safe to assume that I had failed this module. Amazingly I managed to score 65 - a 2:1 - a great result, so pleased!
In my other politics module, Wales & Devolution, I got 67 - also a 2:1 - slightly disappointed that I didn't get a 1st in that. For my Welsh modules, Cymraeg Llyfr a Chymraeg Llafar (written and spoken Welsh) and Llên Gwerin (folklore) I scored less than 60 in both which, for me, is rather disappointing but I am still extremely pleased that I have passed my second year - just one to go!! Already looking forward to my final year as I have some exciting modules lined up such as Russian Politics, The Politics of Britain & Ireland and Ysgrifennu Creadigol (creative writing).
Speaking of creative writing I have some work to do concerning publishers but I can't go too much into it - don't wanna spoil anything in case it doesn't happen!
Another reason for my new happiness is something that has bothered me for about six years. The long version of this story can be read in the First Love series on my blog. The short version is that I've had feelings for a friend of mine for a very long time, pretty much since I came to terms with my sexuality. I think the feelings have been worked out and we are still very good friends which is the most important thing and I am so happy to finally be over all this, as I'm sure he is too!
Lastly (I realise this post is of near essay proportions!) I have not experienced any form of down-ness or depression since revising for my exams back in April/May. Good times! :)
Hope all is well with you, my fabulous readers! Do let me know how you're doing!
Diolch am ddarllen,
Liam x
In my other politics module, Wales & Devolution, I got 67 - also a 2:1 - slightly disappointed that I didn't get a 1st in that. For my Welsh modules, Cymraeg Llyfr a Chymraeg Llafar (written and spoken Welsh) and Llên Gwerin (folklore) I scored less than 60 in both which, for me, is rather disappointing but I am still extremely pleased that I have passed my second year - just one to go!! Already looking forward to my final year as I have some exciting modules lined up such as Russian Politics, The Politics of Britain & Ireland and Ysgrifennu Creadigol (creative writing).
Speaking of creative writing I have some work to do concerning publishers but I can't go too much into it - don't wanna spoil anything in case it doesn't happen!
Another reason for my new happiness is something that has bothered me for about six years. The long version of this story can be read in the First Love series on my blog. The short version is that I've had feelings for a friend of mine for a very long time, pretty much since I came to terms with my sexuality. I think the feelings have been worked out and we are still very good friends which is the most important thing and I am so happy to finally be over all this, as I'm sure he is too!
Lastly (I realise this post is of near essay proportions!) I have not experienced any form of down-ness or depression since revising for my exams back in April/May. Good times! :)
Hope all is well with you, my fabulous readers! Do let me know how you're doing!
Diolch am ddarllen,
Liam x
11/05/2010
First Love VII: Satellite
Unfortunately I am gonna have to withhold some information on this one – I know on all the other posts I haven’t held back any details but this one I really have to because it’s based on a promise I don’t intend on breaking. It is significant to the story but so is the promise I’m keeping and that takes precedence.
Right, so the summer holidays had already begun, the final summer holidays before people would move away to study at university. I like to call this period ‘The Calm’ (the aptly named period of peace from the amazing Final Fantasy X), exams were over, there was work to get on with or anything and things were settling down and there were no big issues to sort out. Good, good times. Anyway, one of my favourite past times was heading into Cardiff to do some clothes shopping and, well, shopping in general if I had the money. Things had settled and kinda stabilised between Dima and I so we went into Cardiff together to do a bit of clothes shopping. Sun, clothes and good company – it was a great day. So we browsed and went back and forth between various clothes shops and just chatted about random, general things before saying he had something to tell me. So we stopped for food, though I didn’t eat because I still felt queasy after the train, motion sickness is not fun! Now this is where the withheld information is withheld, the something he had to tell me was and is totally secret and always had been since. Anyway after this my feelings for him came flooding back and what was a great day began crashing all around me and I felt awful for having let myself give in to these feelings again, feelings which have remained pretty much unchanged up to now.
Through all this though I am immensely happy that Dima felt he could trust me with what it was he told me especially because of the subject matter itself. I am sorry that to readers who won’t know what I’m on about will no doubt be confused about this but the essentials are in this part anyway; we went out, he told me something, feelings came flooding back. I will also have to skip a few events I think are significant to this story because they heavily involve the premise of the unbreakable promise (I might call it that from now as it sounds even more secret!) but there is more interesting stuff to go through so don’t fret if you don’t know what I’m on about.
Thanks for reading :)
Engill x
Right, so the summer holidays had already begun, the final summer holidays before people would move away to study at university. I like to call this period ‘The Calm’ (the aptly named period of peace from the amazing Final Fantasy X), exams were over, there was work to get on with or anything and things were settling down and there were no big issues to sort out. Good, good times. Anyway, one of my favourite past times was heading into Cardiff to do some clothes shopping and, well, shopping in general if I had the money. Things had settled and kinda stabilised between Dima and I so we went into Cardiff together to do a bit of clothes shopping. Sun, clothes and good company – it was a great day. So we browsed and went back and forth between various clothes shops and just chatted about random, general things before saying he had something to tell me. So we stopped for food, though I didn’t eat because I still felt queasy after the train, motion sickness is not fun! Now this is where the withheld information is withheld, the something he had to tell me was and is totally secret and always had been since. Anyway after this my feelings for him came flooding back and what was a great day began crashing all around me and I felt awful for having let myself give in to these feelings again, feelings which have remained pretty much unchanged up to now.
Through all this though I am immensely happy that Dima felt he could trust me with what it was he told me especially because of the subject matter itself. I am sorry that to readers who won’t know what I’m on about will no doubt be confused about this but the essentials are in this part anyway; we went out, he told me something, feelings came flooding back. I will also have to skip a few events I think are significant to this story because they heavily involve the premise of the unbreakable promise (I might call it that from now as it sounds even more secret!) but there is more interesting stuff to go through so don’t fret if you don’t know what I’m on about.
Thanks for reading :)
Engill x
01/05/2010
The Aber Affair IV
About an hour or so after I discovered Dew's secret and had left him at the Aberystwyth Arts Centre he came to find me, not that I was difficult to find as I was in my room. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to him, if I could talk to him without getting any angrier or more upset. "Are you ok?" was the first thing he said and I just stared at him as if to say 'What do you think?' He had picked up on this so he began apologising and telling me he wasn't sure how I'd deal with it but I was still so angry that I recoiled as he approached me which made him stop abruptly. He asked me to give him the chance to explain but I didn't answer. I did want to hear what he'd come up with because then I could decide if this was something I could get over. He told me he comes from a very strong Christian background, his family, his community back home are both highly religious and though they are not 'actively against' homosexuality, they still are 'traditional' when then issue arises. I started to feel guilty and began apologising to him for being so inconsiderate and selfish, though he didn't accept my apologies. We agreed to stay together and this time I knew exactly why our relationship wouldn't be public and it didn't wholly bother me because I was happy with Dew. We spent the remainder of that night together.
The Christmas holidays were fast approaching and the time Dew & I spent together was increasing even if it was a trip to the library to revise, I secretly loved these little trips because he looked even smarter with a pile of books in front him accompanied by the backdrop of the Hugh Owens Library. The last few weeks of term were great for me because of the time I spent with Dew and every now and then he'd buy me little things which he said would add up to a 'Christmas surprise', we even sent a few more nights together. Pantycelyn were hosting a Christmas dinner so Dew & I decided to go together. From what I can remember of that night (there was a lot of drinking afterwards) there was a lot of alcohol available, lots of very loud people shouting in Welsh and my very disappointing vegetarian Christmas dinner which was basically peas, potato, roast potatoes, carrots and a brie and cranberry pasty (bleurgh!). After the dinner a lot of people went out including Dew & I, Dew didn't drink but I think I managed to drink for the both of us.
Over the course of the following weekend I didn't see Dew at all so when Monday came and we walked to Welsh lectures together I wasn't expecting what he was about to say. He told me that I had drank way too much during and after the Christmas dinner which he found a little embarrassing, I promplty apologised but he said that wasn't the worst of it. Instead of heading toward the Old College he diverted us to a large park where we sat down to talk. "You talked about him" he said after a lengthy pause. I was totally confused becuase this was the first I knew I had talked abut anyone, though from where the conversation was headed I could make a guess as to who I had talked about... "What is it you love so much about Dima? I mean, you've written stuff about him specifically and not about anyone else and last night you told me and others about how 'amazing' he apparantly is. It's difficult to hear you say stuff like that, talking about another guy. Then I had to spend the night with you to stop you crying over him." My head was bowed down for the duration of that, though I raised my head at the last part as I was unaware he had spent the night with me. "Look, I really want us to work out, but all I'll be able to think about is you spending time with him" He stood up and started pacing about before finally looking at me for answer "I don't know what you want me to do" I finally replied "I mean I can't help it if we live in the same town, if we have the same friends - and regardless of whatever it is I feel for him he is my best friend so of course I'll be spending time with him but you can't seriously see him as a threat - he's straight. Nothing is ever gonna happen, I promise you". Dew sighed, shook his head and continued to pace around. "Avoid him" he said, "What? Didn't you hear what I just said? I can't just avoid him" I stood up now trying to assert myself "If you care for me at all you'll do it."
Dew headed off to the Old College leaving me with a bombshell, still sat in the park on a December morning. The day after I would return to Barry for the Christmas holidays and this would no doubt hang over me.
Engill x
The Christmas holidays were fast approaching and the time Dew & I spent together was increasing even if it was a trip to the library to revise, I secretly loved these little trips because he looked even smarter with a pile of books in front him accompanied by the backdrop of the Hugh Owens Library. The last few weeks of term were great for me because of the time I spent with Dew and every now and then he'd buy me little things which he said would add up to a 'Christmas surprise', we even sent a few more nights together. Pantycelyn were hosting a Christmas dinner so Dew & I decided to go together. From what I can remember of that night (there was a lot of drinking afterwards) there was a lot of alcohol available, lots of very loud people shouting in Welsh and my very disappointing vegetarian Christmas dinner which was basically peas, potato, roast potatoes, carrots and a brie and cranberry pasty (bleurgh!). After the dinner a lot of people went out including Dew & I, Dew didn't drink but I think I managed to drink for the both of us.
Over the course of the following weekend I didn't see Dew at all so when Monday came and we walked to Welsh lectures together I wasn't expecting what he was about to say. He told me that I had drank way too much during and after the Christmas dinner which he found a little embarrassing, I promplty apologised but he said that wasn't the worst of it. Instead of heading toward the Old College he diverted us to a large park where we sat down to talk. "You talked about him" he said after a lengthy pause. I was totally confused becuase this was the first I knew I had talked abut anyone, though from where the conversation was headed I could make a guess as to who I had talked about... "What is it you love so much about Dima? I mean, you've written stuff about him specifically and not about anyone else and last night you told me and others about how 'amazing' he apparantly is. It's difficult to hear you say stuff like that, talking about another guy. Then I had to spend the night with you to stop you crying over him." My head was bowed down for the duration of that, though I raised my head at the last part as I was unaware he had spent the night with me. "Look, I really want us to work out, but all I'll be able to think about is you spending time with him" He stood up and started pacing about before finally looking at me for answer "I don't know what you want me to do" I finally replied "I mean I can't help it if we live in the same town, if we have the same friends - and regardless of whatever it is I feel for him he is my best friend so of course I'll be spending time with him but you can't seriously see him as a threat - he's straight. Nothing is ever gonna happen, I promise you". Dew sighed, shook his head and continued to pace around. "Avoid him" he said, "What? Didn't you hear what I just said? I can't just avoid him" I stood up now trying to assert myself "If you care for me at all you'll do it."
Dew headed off to the Old College leaving me with a bombshell, still sat in the park on a December morning. The day after I would return to Barry for the Christmas holidays and this would no doubt hang over me.
Engill x
28/04/2010
First Love VI: Love Is A War
I was finally getting my life back on track, there were no problems with any friends, school work was on the up just in time for the A2 exams and it seemed that all it took was the Eurovision Song Contest! Plans for this year's Eurovision are well under way! Unfortunately it seems that when things are going well for me something bad has to happen. After severing ties with Milica for calling me a liar, Welsh lessons with her became awkward and friends from the girls school began taking sides openly and in secret. I had unfortunately lost a good friend because this, we're friends again now but at thetime it was difficult, but some other members of the Welsh class did belive me and would sympathise with my situation - my situation was nothing compared to that of Milica and Alec of course but having been called a liar brought up fears from my past. In the past I was a bully basically, I lied to get what I wanted and I would hurt anyone who crossed me, I really wasn't a nice person so I am incredibly lucky to have such great friends now.
Things began to settle down aroung the time of the exams, I was dreading doing badly in a politics paper I was now resitting for the third time though some tensions still existed and the rumor mill was still in perfectly functioning condition. My allegiance rested with Alec and I tried my best to sympathise with him though I could not totally understand his situation, he & Milica had a long-term relationship and I've never been in one so my ability to sympathise was limited. The exam period flew by and I felt I had done well in most exams dreading only my politics result because I was so looking forward to studying International Politics & Welsh at Aberystwyth Uni - ended up with 2 Bs and an A so not too bad at all! And so all that was left to in year 13 was endure the Valendictory dinner in Cardiff.
The head boy was responsible for seating and I was not too pleased to discover I had been seated on the same table as Milica, could do without having to ignore someone for a night but some people had said she was hinting (or attention seeking, however you wanna see it) that she would not go. On the night she did make an appearence (surprise, surprise) though she was 'drunk', her acting was appauling she'd forget at times she was supposed to pretend to be drunk. She spoke only to a shared friend of ours, also sat at our table, though we decided to make up and forgive each other. At times she would laugh randomly in an attempt to keep up theattention pretence. Toward the end of the night she began crying and became inconsolable and she asked a friend several times to convince Alec to speak to her. After they had spoken and Milica left early because she was 'too drunk', Alec and I went outside to talk and he was adament nothing had changed, I knew he was lying but I thought it best to leave it.
On reflection immediately after the night, I had noticed Dima had been rude toward Milica which upset her, she later told me he was being unfair and had no reason to ignore her so in response I spoke to him less and thought a lot less of him thinking he was just being petty. I was able to do this at the time because I had no real feelings for him after all the complications we had had in the past, and I found it easier to dislike him over silly little things. I realise now that I was trying to desperately sever my feelings for him quickly and that I was definately going about it the wrong way.
To summarise, at this point I was very quickly going off Dima, barely speaking to him at all, I was friends with Milica again though the friendship was fragile, and it was the beginning of the summer holidays before we would all begin university. Time was slipping away and it would look as though this would end the story...
Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
Things began to settle down aroung the time of the exams, I was dreading doing badly in a politics paper I was now resitting for the third time though some tensions still existed and the rumor mill was still in perfectly functioning condition. My allegiance rested with Alec and I tried my best to sympathise with him though I could not totally understand his situation, he & Milica had a long-term relationship and I've never been in one so my ability to sympathise was limited. The exam period flew by and I felt I had done well in most exams dreading only my politics result because I was so looking forward to studying International Politics & Welsh at Aberystwyth Uni - ended up with 2 Bs and an A so not too bad at all! And so all that was left to in year 13 was endure the Valendictory dinner in Cardiff.
The head boy was responsible for seating and I was not too pleased to discover I had been seated on the same table as Milica, could do without having to ignore someone for a night but some people had said she was hinting (or attention seeking, however you wanna see it) that she would not go. On the night she did make an appearence (surprise, surprise) though she was 'drunk', her acting was appauling she'd forget at times she was supposed to pretend to be drunk. She spoke only to a shared friend of ours, also sat at our table, though we decided to make up and forgive each other. At times she would laugh randomly in an attempt to keep up the
On reflection immediately after the night, I had noticed Dima had been rude toward Milica which upset her, she later told me he was being unfair and had no reason to ignore her so in response I spoke to him less and thought a lot less of him thinking he was just being petty. I was able to do this at the time because I had no real feelings for him after all the complications we had had in the past, and I found it easier to dislike him over silly little things. I realise now that I was trying to desperately sever my feelings for him quickly and that I was definately going about it the wrong way.
To summarise, at this point I was very quickly going off Dima, barely speaking to him at all, I was friends with Milica again though the friendship was fragile, and it was the beginning of the summer holidays before we would all begin university. Time was slipping away and it would look as though this would end the story...
Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
28/03/2010
The Aber Affair III
Dew & I were happy, that was all that mattered. We were a proper couple minus the fact it was not public but we spent so much time together in private that I didn't really care that we weren't what some might call a 'normal' couple. It was late November and the university was hosting a Christmas faire and my Christmas-obsessed friend I had met through taking Welsh was adament on going and I said that I'd tag along. I invited Dew out but he said he had already made plans that day with other friends which I didn't have a problem with at all.
It was freezing that day, not that I expected any different on a November's day in West Wales but I headed up campus regardless to meet with the xmas-fan and a couple of other friends. The faire itself was pretty boring, there were stalls everywhere selling very un-Christmassy stuff though I suppose you could categorise them under xmas gifts. On top of that there was nothing very interesting there and it was all over-priced. To top that there was a brass band playing all the old Christmas 'favourites'. In another hall there was a food market, mainly farmers selling winter veg but there were also stalls selling cakes, jam and even ice cream - Furey bought a toffee ice cream, he was clearly mad as he was only wearing a thin T-shirt and was eating ice cream in freezing conditions!
When going to the third hall of stalls which mainly sold sweets and stationary (who put those together?) I noticed Dew with a group of other people browsing just as we were. I told the people I was with I was just gonna go ahead and browse while they were looking at penguin figurines, which were mega-cute. As I approached him he moved behind a stall which was designated for Aberystwyth University's Christian Union which is when I noticed he was wearing a hoody bearing the emblem. All at once I got confused and I felt shocked and I had to leave. I sat outside for about 10 minutes when the Christian Union congregated outside and started handing out free hot drinks to visitors. Dew spotted me and in an instant I got up from where I was sat and just hurried past him heading back to Pantycelyn.
Not once did I look back and by this time I had grown angry, why had he hidden this from me? It's not like I have a problem with Christianity but this led me to think that perhaps this had something to do with his breaking up with me in the first place. I had to confront him, if anything just to hush the hundreds of questions soaring through my head.
Engill x
It was freezing that day, not that I expected any different on a November's day in West Wales but I headed up campus regardless to meet with the xmas-fan and a couple of other friends. The faire itself was pretty boring, there were stalls everywhere selling very un-Christmassy stuff though I suppose you could categorise them under xmas gifts. On top of that there was nothing very interesting there and it was all over-priced. To top that there was a brass band playing all the old Christmas 'favourites'. In another hall there was a food market, mainly farmers selling winter veg but there were also stalls selling cakes, jam and even ice cream - Furey bought a toffee ice cream, he was clearly mad as he was only wearing a thin T-shirt and was eating ice cream in freezing conditions!
When going to the third hall of stalls which mainly sold sweets and stationary (who put those together?) I noticed Dew with a group of other people browsing just as we were. I told the people I was with I was just gonna go ahead and browse while they were looking at penguin figurines, which were mega-cute. As I approached him he moved behind a stall which was designated for Aberystwyth University's Christian Union which is when I noticed he was wearing a hoody bearing the emblem. All at once I got confused and I felt shocked and I had to leave. I sat outside for about 10 minutes when the Christian Union congregated outside and started handing out free hot drinks to visitors. Dew spotted me and in an instant I got up from where I was sat and just hurried past him heading back to Pantycelyn.
Not once did I look back and by this time I had grown angry, why had he hidden this from me? It's not like I have a problem with Christianity but this led me to think that perhaps this had something to do with his breaking up with me in the first place. I had to confront him, if anything just to hush the hundreds of questions soaring through my head.
Engill x
27/03/2010
Update: The Aber Affair
It's been a while since I blogged about this story mainly because there are deeper complications to it than I originally thought. Originally the entries mentioned that Dew had a boyfriend and that was the reason the relationship was complicated. Since the last entry my closest friends have learnt the truth so I have now updated the two original posts on the topic to include the truth. I'll explain why I felt I had to lie in the coming posts.
The Aber Affair
The Aber Affair II
Engill x
The Aber Affair
The Aber Affair II
Engill x
21/03/2010
First Love V Part 2: Douze Points!
You may have guessed from the title of this installment that the special anual event I referred to is, of course, the Eurovision Song Contest. I am an absolutely massive fan and before the 2009 contest I had had simply watched it either alone or with my family but now I wanted to make it a proper party. All was looking good for Eurovision night, people had dropped out but there was still a good collection of my friends going. The Final was on the 16th and I was fully prepared, I was not, however, prepared for May 15th. Dima had made a comment about hating me, another joke with disasterous effects. In response to this I told him not to bother coming if he didn't like me which didn't seem to bother him at all - much to my annoyance. So I had started the day losing one of my best friends and the one guy I cared more about than anyone in the world. Great. Then while waiting for a lift from Milica she tells me that she & Alec have decided to split up which made me feel upset for them as they had been together a very long time, she assured me that both of them would attend my EuroParty and that it wouldn't be "awkward". After discussing what would happen Eurovision night with Milica and another girl who was invited (who had now decided to drop out to) I texted Dima telling him he was still welcome as he is still a friend.
Eurovision was amazing! Russia had staged the best ever contest and the party went rather well too as everyone had a great time too, with the exception of Alec & Milica who coursed through the night with little or no interaction whatsoever. The party had put an end to my long spell of unpopularity and I started to build back lost or damaged relationships. Things stayed awkward between Alec & Milica for a while then the inevitable happened - people began taking sides. There were no arguments so there were never any real tensions people just tended to sympathise more with one than the other solely dependent on how close they were as friends before this. I tried my absolute best to remain close friends with both of them but Milica was beginning to use the break-up as some form of attention seeking skill. She had made out, quite publicly that Alec was desperate, verging on being a stalker and I couldn't let that happen. I told Alec what Milica had said with the promise that he would not take this information to her - which he did. Milica told him, and others, that I was a two-faced liar which instantly ended our friendship. This made me closer with Alec and, by proxy, with Dima as those two were now extremely close friends.
Unfortunately Alec would battle with these issues for a while but he confided in me to a point which made us closer and we spent more time together than ever before which would mean spending more time now with Dima too. By this point I had realised that my feelings for Dima had all but disappeared as there were so many ups and downs in such a short space of time that it was possible that I had just broken ties with him emotionally. We were friends again and the three of us did more together though I still played more of a 'third wheel' kind of role but I was happy just to have two great friends.
Another happy ending, though as you no have doubt guessed 'ending' is not the right word. But it'll do for now ;)
Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
Eurovision was amazing! Russia had staged the best ever contest and the party went rather well too as everyone had a great time too, with the exception of Alec & Milica who coursed through the night with little or no interaction whatsoever. The party had put an end to my long spell of unpopularity and I started to build back lost or damaged relationships. Things stayed awkward between Alec & Milica for a while then the inevitable happened - people began taking sides. There were no arguments so there were never any real tensions people just tended to sympathise more with one than the other solely dependent on how close they were as friends before this. I tried my absolute best to remain close friends with both of them but Milica was beginning to use the break-up as some form of attention seeking skill. She had made out, quite publicly that Alec was desperate, verging on being a stalker and I couldn't let that happen. I told Alec what Milica had said with the promise that he would not take this information to her - which he did. Milica told him, and others, that I was a two-faced liar which instantly ended our friendship. This made me closer with Alec and, by proxy, with Dima as those two were now extremely close friends.
Unfortunately Alec would battle with these issues for a while but he confided in me to a point which made us closer and we spent more time together than ever before which would mean spending more time now with Dima too. By this point I had realised that my feelings for Dima had all but disappeared as there were so many ups and downs in such a short space of time that it was possible that I had just broken ties with him emotionally. We were friends again and the three of us did more together though I still played more of a 'third wheel' kind of role but I was happy just to have two great friends.
Another happy ending, though as you no have doubt guessed 'ending' is not the right word. But it'll do for now ;)
Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
First Love V Part 1: The Rebound
It had been a while now since the last film night, the final 'Fanyastic 4' get together. We all remianed friends though I sought for a close relationship with someone new. Milica was Alec's girlfriend, we had Welsh together and spent a lot of time together through Alec at first but we soon became close without the middle link. A kind of calm had fallen upon our large 6th Form clique which was a well welcomed relief to the usual high tensions we faced on a daily basis. Milica & I had gotten rather close now to the point where there would be no secrets between us and we'd often be seen together, she had even began trusting me enough to talk about her relationship with Alec, one of my best friends. Unfortunately, her feelings seemed all over the place - she would complain when Alec would leave her 'alone' (she was usually still with other friends) but complain when he stayed with her as he was 'annoying'. Clearly a lose-lose situation there.
Someone had come up with an idea to go camping in the summer after year 13 had ended and before people would move away to Universities across Britain which proved to be a popular idea at first. Pretty much anyone interested was welcome which included Milica & I. In a conversation about the trip (which at that point was still totally unplanned) Dima had joked that the trip would be better if only guys would go, the problem was the way he had said it did not make it clear it was a joke, nor did he apologise (immediately) when people took offence. This joke created a clear division between in the clique with some supporting Milica's offense - this included me - and those who thought people were over-reacting to Dima's comment - who, funnily enough, were mainly guys who had not been present when Dima made the comment. I totally over-reacted to the whole scenario using this as a chance to take all my feelings out on Dima which resulted in Milica & I isolating ourselves from the rest of the clique and ultimately deciding not to go camping.
With divisions becoming apparant and with relationships breaking down Milica & I became quite unpopular and we used this to be horrible, bitchy people as we are fairly similar people. We are both effective at manipulating people and playing with emotions and we just did this for sport. Even with this we had managed to keep some closer friends though even those relationships looked ready to break. It had come to a point where I really only had Milica to turn to when I needed someone when before I could have gone to Dima, an impossible thought now. Meanwhile one of my most looked-forward to events of the year was quickly approaching (in May) and I had been planning how to make it an even better event since October. People had been invited to this event in November/December and there were drop-outs and major uncertainties, especially with Dima as our relationship was at an all time low, but I was willing to change to make my plans succesful...
Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
Someone had come up with an idea to go camping in the summer after year 13 had ended and before people would move away to Universities across Britain which proved to be a popular idea at first. Pretty much anyone interested was welcome which included Milica & I. In a conversation about the trip (which at that point was still totally unplanned) Dima had joked that the trip would be better if only guys would go, the problem was the way he had said it did not make it clear it was a joke, nor did he apologise (immediately) when people took offence. This joke created a clear division between in the clique with some supporting Milica's offense - this included me - and those who thought people were over-reacting to Dima's comment - who, funnily enough, were mainly guys who had not been present when Dima made the comment. I totally over-reacted to the whole scenario using this as a chance to take all my feelings out on Dima which resulted in Milica & I isolating ourselves from the rest of the clique and ultimately deciding not to go camping.
With divisions becoming apparant and with relationships breaking down Milica & I became quite unpopular and we used this to be horrible, bitchy people as we are fairly similar people. We are both effective at manipulating people and playing with emotions and we just did this for sport. Even with this we had managed to keep some closer friends though even those relationships looked ready to break. It had come to a point where I really only had Milica to turn to when I needed someone when before I could have gone to Dima, an impossible thought now. Meanwhile one of my most looked-forward to events of the year was quickly approaching (in May) and I had been planning how to make it an even better event since October. People had been invited to this event in November/December and there were drop-outs and major uncertainties, especially with Dima as our relationship was at an all time low, but I was willing to change to make my plans succesful...
Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
03/03/2010
First Love IV: 'The Fantastic Four'
Everyone (well everyone who mattered) was up to date with my feelings for Dima, a secret that had tortured me for a while but now it was out in the open and everyone was ok with it - he was ok with it, that was all that mattered. Our friendship was better than ever though my jealousy and clinginess was understandably annoying for Dima. So our relationship was up and down but when it was up, which was most of the time, I was immensly happy. Life pretty much went on without any problems, no drama, nothing.
Kai had an idea to hold film nights, specifically to view a list of cult films he, Dima and another friend Lena had compiled in their Media Studies lessons. I was fortunate to be asked along and the first one I remember was Fight Club at Dima's house. It would be the four of us plus two other friends and this was meant to be a kind of fixed group and we'd all take turns in hosting a film night. I barely knew Lena, only ever talking to her through/with Dima or Kai but we instantly connected at Dima's house after the film as we simultaneously threw the same dance move to Britney Spears' Toxic. To be totally honest I hadn't taken to her at first because I had a feeling Dima 'liked' her.
So weeks pass by and the group whittles down to just the four of us: Dima, Kai, Lena & I and by now talking about our personal lives completely overshadowed whatever film was on in the background. The final meeting was at Lena's house and the film to ignore was Donnie Darko. Dima sat most of the night with his arms crossed, not getting involved in conversation which Lena took to mean she had done something wrong. After hours of awkward silences and conversations we left but after Dima's actions I was not in a good mood and decided to blank both he & Kai on the ride home by listening to my iPod.
Not long after this final disasterous film night I realised that Dima had not nor would not confide in me which made me feel really low, he had confided in Kai though.I felt out of the loop and so once the Dima dubbed 'Fantastic Four' broke up I severed links with all of them, finding a new friend and confidant in another friend's (Alec) girlfriend, Milica. Dima eventually told me that he had feelings for Lena and was rather torn up about how he felt for her. Him telling me he had feelings for a girl were double-sided for me: good that he could trust me to tell me he had feelings for someone and, of course, bad in that I had to live with the fact the guy I had feelings for had feelings for someone else.Ulitmately I was just happy to know he could trust me and talk to me.
The Fantastic Four had broken up and I distanced myself from the other three, this would later turn out to be a bad move but for now I was just recovering from another burst bubble in my life.
Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
Kai had an idea to hold film nights, specifically to view a list of cult films he, Dima and another friend Lena had compiled in their Media Studies lessons. I was fortunate to be asked along and the first one I remember was Fight Club at Dima's house. It would be the four of us plus two other friends and this was meant to be a kind of fixed group and we'd all take turns in hosting a film night. I barely knew Lena, only ever talking to her through/with Dima or Kai but we instantly connected at Dima's house after the film as we simultaneously threw the same dance move to Britney Spears' Toxic. To be totally honest I hadn't taken to her at first because I had a feeling Dima 'liked' her.
So weeks pass by and the group whittles down to just the four of us: Dima, Kai, Lena & I and by now talking about our personal lives completely overshadowed whatever film was on in the background. The final meeting was at Lena's house and the film to ignore was Donnie Darko. Dima sat most of the night with his arms crossed, not getting involved in conversation which Lena took to mean she had done something wrong. After hours of awkward silences and conversations we left but after Dima's actions I was not in a good mood and decided to blank both he & Kai on the ride home by listening to my iPod.
Not long after this final disasterous film night I realised that Dima had not nor would not confide in me which made me feel really low, he had confided in Kai though.I felt out of the loop and so once the Dima dubbed 'Fantastic Four' broke up I severed links with all of them, finding a new friend and confidant in another friend's (Alec) girlfriend, Milica. Dima eventually told me that he had feelings for Lena and was rather torn up about how he felt for her. Him telling me he had feelings for a girl were double-sided for me: good that he could trust me to tell me he had feelings for someone and, of course, bad in that I had to live with the fact the guy I had feelings for had feelings for someone else.Ulitmately I was just happy to know he could trust me and talk to me.
The Fantastic Four had broken up and I distanced myself from the other three, this would later turn out to be a bad move but for now I was just recovering from another burst bubble in my life.
Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
23/01/2010
First Love III: Coming Out
So, idiotic things. And they are? Well they can range from very small things to larger things so I'll start from the smaller idiotic things. First off I imagined that Dima just plain disliked me based on the fact that he would go out and I would not be invited, regardless of the fact he was not responsible for the inviting but rather he was invited out so my paranoia was totally unnecessary. Later I'd fall out with one of my girlfriends because I had somehow managed to convince myself that she was seeing Dima in secret regardless of the fact she was in a very closed relationship with another friend. The most idiotic thing though was that I was willing to make things much more complicated than they ever needed to be. Alec, one of my closest friends, knew of my secret and was supportive. Dima already suspected something was going on mainly because I was going to tell him the truth but found myself unable but I had to come up with an answer. I decided to tell him that I had feelings for Alec. Totally untrue but it wouldn't have harmed anyone. Alec and Kai (another friend who knew) thought it was a terrible idea and were not happy for me to do it.
The same night I had decided on my crazy plan I was on msn with Kai and Dima, fully prepared to tell Dima my latest lie. Kai meanwhile was telling me not to do it and that I should tell the truth explaining what had happened before. Kai had only joined the same school as Dima and I in 6th form and so he would not have known about the first time. After this he assured me things would not be the same though I was fully intent on going ahead with my plan. He then told me he has already told Dima my secret. My thoughts started racing and I instantly broke down into tears, I was upset and angry all at the same time and got so overwhelmed I left the conversation mid-flow to be sick. I was far from happy with Kai for this.
On my return to the computer I still went ahead with my plan this time intending to make out Kai was a liar. Dima however confronted me. My heart sank and I was close to being sick again. But he told me not to worry, that he had grown up emotionally now and was able to deal with this, saying that he wouldn't let this ruin our friendship. I was now feeling much more at ease and happy while stupid for underestimating him. Before leaving msn he waited for me to assure him I was ok when usually he wouldn't hang around after declaring he'd leave. To this day I vividly remember that night and the thought makes me happy because it was a clear foundation of our close friendship which of course I am grateful for and am thankful for everyday.
Waw, ending on a lighter note, different, though this is not a happy ending. More soon! Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
The same night I had decided on my crazy plan I was on msn with Kai and Dima, fully prepared to tell Dima my latest lie. Kai meanwhile was telling me not to do it and that I should tell the truth explaining what had happened before. Kai had only joined the same school as Dima and I in 6th form and so he would not have known about the first time. After this he assured me things would not be the same though I was fully intent on going ahead with my plan. He then told me he has already told Dima my secret. My thoughts started racing and I instantly broke down into tears, I was upset and angry all at the same time and got so overwhelmed I left the conversation mid-flow to be sick. I was far from happy with Kai for this.
On my return to the computer I still went ahead with my plan this time intending to make out Kai was a liar. Dima however confronted me. My heart sank and I was close to being sick again. But he told me not to worry, that he had grown up emotionally now and was able to deal with this, saying that he wouldn't let this ruin our friendship. I was now feeling much more at ease and happy while stupid for underestimating him. Before leaving msn he waited for me to assure him I was ok when usually he wouldn't hang around after declaring he'd leave. To this day I vividly remember that night and the thought makes me happy because it was a clear foundation of our close friendship which of course I am grateful for and am thankful for everyday.
Waw, ending on a lighter note, different, though this is not a happy ending. More soon! Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
13/01/2010
First Love II: Summer Loving
Dima finally began talking to me again though he remained distant, spending as little time as possible with me and just being civil. Eventually I just told him I was over him and saw him as no more than a friend. I didn't like lying to him but I'd rather do that and remain his friend than have him cringe and hide away from me, unable to deal with my feelings for him. I began to suffer in silence but luckily some other friends of mine knew my secret and I could rely on them to vent, to share and this continued for a couple of years into 6th Form.
Summer 2008, about 2 years after I first realised I had feelings for Dima. I still had feelings for him but they were much less prominent in my life now, we had all matured emotionally since GCSE years. I had a bf now, Elnur, I was really happy being with him and it was really special because we had a long history, we used to be best friends in primary school until he moved away to England so to find each other years later and start a relationship was amazing and I was truly happy. Unfortunately I spent a lot of time over the summer with Dima and my feelings for him began to take over my life once again. Regardless of the fact I had a bf I constantly thought about Dima and stayed up into the early hours talking to him on msn because I never had to make an effort to talk to him. Not long before starting the new school term I broke up with Elnur because I felt so guilty for being so heavily in love with someone else and the worst thing was Elnur was so nice about it. I wanted so much for him to hate me or to at least be upset, but for him to 'understand' was really difficult for me to live with.
After I while I re-evaluated what I had done. I had broken up with someone who made me happy because I was in love with a straight guy. Idiot. But would it really have been fair to Elnur to continue seeing him while loving someone else? Anyway, socialising with Dima became a nightmare. I grew extremely jealous of him spending time with other people and I was deeply upset when he didn't turn up for school. I was obsessed and it wasn't long until Dima started to get annoyed with me. We spent months falling out and then going on as if nothing happened and during all this my secret was making me do irrational, stupid things. People who did know my secret told me time and time again that I should just tell him but instead I did some really idiotic things.
There's still a bit to go on this story but for now, thanks for reading.
Engill
x
Summer 2008, about 2 years after I first realised I had feelings for Dima. I still had feelings for him but they were much less prominent in my life now, we had all matured emotionally since GCSE years. I had a bf now, Elnur, I was really happy being with him and it was really special because we had a long history, we used to be best friends in primary school until he moved away to England so to find each other years later and start a relationship was amazing and I was truly happy. Unfortunately I spent a lot of time over the summer with Dima and my feelings for him began to take over my life once again. Regardless of the fact I had a bf I constantly thought about Dima and stayed up into the early hours talking to him on msn because I never had to make an effort to talk to him. Not long before starting the new school term I broke up with Elnur because I felt so guilty for being so heavily in love with someone else and the worst thing was Elnur was so nice about it. I wanted so much for him to hate me or to at least be upset, but for him to 'understand' was really difficult for me to live with.
After I while I re-evaluated what I had done. I had broken up with someone who made me happy because I was in love with a straight guy. Idiot. But would it really have been fair to Elnur to continue seeing him while loving someone else? Anyway, socialising with Dima became a nightmare. I grew extremely jealous of him spending time with other people and I was deeply upset when he didn't turn up for school. I was obsessed and it wasn't long until Dima started to get annoyed with me. We spent months falling out and then going on as if nothing happened and during all this my secret was making me do irrational, stupid things. People who did know my secret told me time and time again that I should just tell him but instead I did some really idiotic things.
There's still a bit to go on this story but for now, thanks for reading.
Engill
x
10/01/2010
The Aber Affair II
Ok, so I left this story off after I'd been dumped (too soon after my birthday) and him telling me he won't see me again "for my own good". The Sunday after the break-up (the next day) I slowly recovered from feeling ill while privately trying to get over my most recent heart-ache. I tried to keep busy, do the laundry, attempt some homework/revision, tidy up but I just ended up sobbing under the covers. I'm not known for my dignity.
It had been just over a week until he started talking to me again, he approached me in the kitchen. We exchanged niceties using words of just one syllable and I made the effort to leave as quickly as possible to hide in the confines of my room. The next morning I left for a lecture, it was early so the halls were quiet and I didn't expect to see many people around yet there he stood. Dew was stood outside my door waiting for me intent on walking me to my lecture so that we could talk. As I did the next several times he waited I told him I didn't want to walk anywhere with him. It went on for a while. He would wait outside my room when we had lectures together, he'd wait outside lecture rooms for me too. It was becoming unbearable and I was about to snap. I couldn't let this go on.
I gave in, after weeks of waiting outside my door and after weeks of rejection, Dew still looked at me hopefully when I left to go to a lecture and I began talking to him. Again just the niceties when he stopped me on the way to the lecture hall. "Look, I can't keep away from you like this" he said looking directly into my eyes, I tried hard not to stare back "I know I wasn't specific when I broke up with you but trust me it is really important to me, it's a big part of my life. So are you - why else would I spend all my time with you and all this time waiting for you?" I just walked on, I didn't want to hear this, I was welling up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back before kissing me and again I just gave in. We were back on and I was somebody's 'dirty little secret'. I was such a secret even I didn't know what I was secret from. The joys of relationships.
This was both one of the high points and low points of uni for me as I had a bf, a really nice guy who actually really cared about me but at the same time he was hiding from something and keeping something from me but of course I never focused on the bad I was just happy to be with him. The only downside I could think of was whether I genuinely like him or whether I was trying to replace my feelings for somebody else...
Engill x
It had been just over a week until he started talking to me again, he approached me in the kitchen. We exchanged niceties using words of just one syllable and I made the effort to leave as quickly as possible to hide in the confines of my room. The next morning I left for a lecture, it was early so the halls were quiet and I didn't expect to see many people around yet there he stood. Dew was stood outside my door waiting for me intent on walking me to my lecture so that we could talk. As I did the next several times he waited I told him I didn't want to walk anywhere with him. It went on for a while. He would wait outside my room when we had lectures together, he'd wait outside lecture rooms for me too. It was becoming unbearable and I was about to snap. I couldn't let this go on.
I gave in, after weeks of waiting outside my door and after weeks of rejection, Dew still looked at me hopefully when I left to go to a lecture and I began talking to him. Again just the niceties when he stopped me on the way to the lecture hall. "Look, I can't keep away from you like this" he said looking directly into my eyes, I tried hard not to stare back "I know I wasn't specific when I broke up with you but trust me it is really important to me, it's a big part of my life. So are you - why else would I spend all my time with you and all this time waiting for you?" I just walked on, I didn't want to hear this, I was welling up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back before kissing me and again I just gave in. We were back on and I was somebody's 'dirty little secret'. I was such a secret even I didn't know what I was secret from. The joys of relationships.
This was both one of the high points and low points of uni for me as I had a bf, a really nice guy who actually really cared about me but at the same time he was hiding from something and keeping something from me but of course I never focused on the bad I was just happy to be with him. The only downside I could think of was whether I genuinely like him or whether I was trying to replace my feelings for somebody else...
Engill x
07/01/2010
First Love
It's never simple is it? This story goes back about 3 years to when I was in year 11, not long before the GCSEs. I had decided to come out but I thought I'd start out by only telling my friends, both of who, thankfully, took it better than I expected. I was more pessimistic than I needed to be. I was and still am very grateful I had two frinds in particular to turn to, two people I could talk to and rely on and I guess this is around the time the founding links of the modern day 'musketeers' (one of the three of us recently deemed us 'the gay musketeers' despite me being the only gay guy) began. Now that I was out I felt more at ease amongst my friends and so I started to open up and my friends did the same in return. I soon realised that I was beginning to like one of my friends as more than a friend.
I felt some kind of great gratitude for the friend I first came out to (again for anonymity purposes he'll be named Dima). My feelings for him kinda exploded one day when I was starting to feel victimised at school by someone for being gay and I left fully intent on going home when Dima came after me. He talked to me and made sure I was ok, convincing me to stay in school and speaking out against the guy who had offended me (the words 'my hero' spring to mind). This was definately more than friendship. For me anyway. He was and is straight but that didn't stop me really caring about him and thinking about him. He'd already proved himself to be a great guy by being a great friend, he was everything. Funny, considerate, really, effortlessly clever, popular and to top it off really attractive. It was clear I had developed feelings for him and I told myslef that I'd have to tell him.
He wasn't too happy about what I had to tell him. I didn't know how to tell him so it ended up coming out like "I really like you, I think I'm attracted to you" Clear and precise, well done me... Dima was clearly not prepared for this news and freaked out in his own little way. For the next month or so he just blanked and avoided me. No doubt he hoped that by doing that I'd move on sooner or later but I didn't. I continued to think about him and long after him, distraught and disheartened by the fact he was being like that. In classes where we sat together he moved away or put others between us, it was a really awful month and I would spend days at a time being so low that I didn't dare face school.
Just like a first love, this story isn't as simple as it seems either. This part is a bit lengthy so I'm gonna cut it here. Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
I felt some kind of great gratitude for the friend I first came out to (again for anonymity purposes he'll be named Dima). My feelings for him kinda exploded one day when I was starting to feel victimised at school by someone for being gay and I left fully intent on going home when Dima came after me. He talked to me and made sure I was ok, convincing me to stay in school and speaking out against the guy who had offended me (the words 'my hero' spring to mind). This was definately more than friendship. For me anyway. He was and is straight but that didn't stop me really caring about him and thinking about him. He'd already proved himself to be a great guy by being a great friend, he was everything. Funny, considerate, really, effortlessly clever, popular and to top it off really attractive. It was clear I had developed feelings for him and I told myslef that I'd have to tell him.
He wasn't too happy about what I had to tell him. I didn't know how to tell him so it ended up coming out like "I really like you, I think I'm attracted to you" Clear and precise, well done me... Dima was clearly not prepared for this news and freaked out in his own little way. For the next month or so he just blanked and avoided me. No doubt he hoped that by doing that I'd move on sooner or later but I didn't. I continued to think about him and long after him, distraught and disheartened by the fact he was being like that. In classes where we sat together he moved away or put others between us, it was a really awful month and I would spend days at a time being so low that I didn't dare face school.
Just like a first love, this story isn't as simple as it seems either. This part is a bit lengthy so I'm gonna cut it here. Thanks for reading.
Engill
x
The Aber Affair
Back in October 2009, almost 2 months after first moving to Aber, I started seeing this guy a lot (for the purposes of anonymity we'll call him Dew), he'd walk me to lectures, seminars, to the library and I'd do the same for him, then it became things like going shopping, to the cinema, to the beach and eventually we just ended up spending a lot of time in each others rooms, not alone obviously that'd be weird. We were getting closer and closer and then we finally did something affectionate, we hugged - gotta start somewhere. It was Friday 6 November and we got together to watch Twilight, I just got it on blu-ray and as my first blu-ray I wanted to see how it would compare. So we're both sat on the bed when he puts his arm around me and I lean in closer, resting beside him. I was so happy in that moment, not just because it finally seemed we were going somewhere (relationship-wise) but because as it turns out blu-rays are really good!
We'd been bf & bf for about a week now when my birthday came up, Thursday 12 November, and I had planned to go out Friday night to 'celebrate' me turning 19 with some friends but Dew said he wouldn't be able to make it because he was going home for the weekend. It'd been planned a while so I didn't mind, I was a little upset but he had taken me out for dinner on the 12th. Unfortunately, Saturday I drank a little too much, too quickly before even going out so I was sick but my friends and I still went up to Yr Undeb (the student union). I drank a bit more but was starting to feel sick again so I left early around 1 while my friends stayed on. So I got back and Dew was on msn, he asked how my night had been so I told him and he said "awww, hold on a min, i'll ring you now" We talked a bit more about what I got up to and how he was back at home then he tells me we need to stop seeing each other. It was so unexpected I thought perhaps it was a joke. He told me there was something going on that I shouldn't concern myself over but that that something meant we couldn't be together.
Basically I found a guy I really like who dumped me shortly after my birthday for an unknown reason. Great. I would soon discover the reason though.
Thanks for reading
Engill x
We'd been bf & bf for about a week now when my birthday came up, Thursday 12 November, and I had planned to go out Friday night to 'celebrate' me turning 19 with some friends but Dew said he wouldn't be able to make it because he was going home for the weekend. It'd been planned a while so I didn't mind, I was a little upset but he had taken me out for dinner on the 12th. Unfortunately, Saturday I drank a little too much, too quickly before even going out so I was sick but my friends and I still went up to Yr Undeb (the student union). I drank a bit more but was starting to feel sick again so I left early around 1 while my friends stayed on. So I got back and Dew was on msn, he asked how my night had been so I told him and he said "awww, hold on a min, i'll ring you now" We talked a bit more about what I got up to and how he was back at home then he tells me we need to stop seeing each other. It was so unexpected I thought perhaps it was a joke. He told me there was something going on that I shouldn't concern myself over but that that something meant we couldn't be together.
Basically I found a guy I really like who dumped me shortly after my birthday for an unknown reason. Great. I would soon discover the reason though.
Thanks for reading
Engill x
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