I am going to attempt a summarised (if possible) life story. I know it’s cliché to say such a thing but I do believe I am a misunderstood person, though I fully accept that people misunderstand me because of choices I’ve made. In this case, this insight should enlighten people who already know me as well as total strangers.
The Basics
My full name is Liam Terrence Colin Townsend, 20 years old, born 12th November 1990. I’ve lived in Barry most of my life but am living in Aberystwyth at the moment where I study Welsh and International politics in the local University. I can speak English and Welsh, I’m a big fan of European languages but I’m not very good at sticking at learning them which is why I know random phrases in French, Russian, German and Swedish but I do know a little bit of British Sign Language (BSL). I suppose attempting languages is a hobby of mine as well as the usual stuff that people put on their CV, socialising, reading, blah, blah, blah. I am unhealthily obsessed with the Eurovision Song Contest, anyone who knows me will account for how unhealthy it is and I do have a rather odd taste in music, it’s mainly pop based, synth, rock, dream but there is variety which must be good, right?
I am not from a wealthy family, my parents divorced when I was fairly young and I have next to no contact with my dad anymore which I’m now used to. Growing up I never wanted for anything, I got everything a little boy could have needed/wanted and I’ve been very grateful for the things I do have and I think it is this kind of background which has made me a proud socialist. Speaking of political leanings, I am a Welsh nationalist and a member of Plaid Cymru (the Party of Wales) which support the independence of Wales as a long-term goal.
I’m comfortable with my sexuality, I’m gay, and I had a bit of a battle coming to terms with it. I came out to my friends a while back when I was 16 which was already a difficult year because the GCSEs were coming up, and I came out to my mum only last year (2010), when I was 19 which was, of course, one of the most awkward moments of my life but I’m confident that she’s comfortable with it now, not that it ever caused problems.
Time to get more in-depth.
Sexuality
I guess I'll start with my coming out. I haven't always known I was gay, I most definitely didn't know during my years in primary school - I had two girlfriends while there - and in the early years of secondary school I remained oblivious. By the time I was in Year Ten (when I was 14/15) I had been with one girl for about a year, by far my longest relationship to date. When you're with someone for so long you get to know their friends and their family and it was with this girl's cousin that I had my first gay kiss which saw a quick end to that relationship. After a lot of thinking and 'self-finding' I realised that I needed to at least try to come to terms with my sexuality but, honestly, I didn't want to be gay, I didn't want to be more different than I already was (we'll come onto this later) so I labelled myself bisexual - it is rather funny to think of how important labels were in school. I came out first to my two closest friends who were, thankfully, supportive but I wasn't too eager for it to become public knowledge. That changed after telling another 'friend' my new label who promptly spread it about the school prompting the questions and looks and comments though nothing ever came of it, no bullying or anything like that and I really do consider myself lucky on that front. Anyway, as I became more comfortable not having this giant secret tormenting me I was finally able to accept that I was/am gay and told that to anyone who asked. It wasn't until much later that I came out to family, about 3/4 years later. As I’ve already said, I am totally comfortable and happy with my sexuality and, if I may, I’d like to thank all those who helped me through that difficult part of my life.
Depression
I mentioned being different pre-coming out. I’m not an overly social person. I went to secondary school with next to no friends and those I did have, I lost over the years anyway. I think that I inherently mistrust people and I find it difficult to open up to people. For years I considering friendship a weakness, a flaw because if you ever trusted the wrong person, that person could destroy you and I felt that I had to see everyone that way. I never really recognised loneliness because that’s all I ever knew, I couldn’t miss spending time with friends because I never really had any. Once I started to open up, probably around year 9 (13/14 years old), and began making friends I wondered why I was so against having friends in the first place but couldn’t find the answer and just forgot about it. Being my friend wasn’t easy, and I wouldn’t blame people even now if they still agree with this. Right now, there are probably only 3 people who know as much as there is to know about me. I was distant and still distrusted most people, so people knew little about me. I was very prone to getting upset and so I would isolate myself from groups of people. Of course, doing this made me appear to want attention so I understand why people thought/think of me as an attention seeker but I don’t think that that view is wholly accurate. The reason I isolated myself was because I genuinely thought that by separating myself, I could prevent my mood from depressing others – stupid, I realise. During 6th form (16-18 years old) I finally discovered why I acted the way I did, and still occasionally do. Melancholic depression. One of the lesser types of mental depression, symptoms I have experienced and still experience include not enjoying things I normally would enjoy (anhedonia), insomnia, feeling guilty for the way I was and, by far the worst symptom which I have only experienced twice, psychomotor problems – inability to move properly or normally when in a particularly depressed mood. A few people know that I have depression, at least 7 of my friends know this, all of whom have helped me through and continue to help me today. It’s scary to think about where I would be now if I still mistrusted people as heavily as I used to. Of course there were bigger issues concerned with my depression such as self-harming, medication, bipolar tests, etc. I no longer self-harm and haven’t done so for a few years now, I thankfully do not have bipolar especially as my battle with depression is going very well and I am still on/off medication but I know that it is very important so it doesn’t bother or hinder me in any way. I hope this explains to people who don’t really know me, even if we may be friends, why I’m always so distant and pessimistic and I hope that a positive change has been noticeable over the past few years.
Not sure what else to mention, besides I have already given away a lot of info but if you do want to know anything else you can ask me by commenting or you can email me. You may also want to check out the stories that inspired me to start this blog in the first place which describe my difficult relationships which I’m sure help to define me too.
Thanks for reading, hope this post wasn’t too much of a bore!
Diolch,
Liam x
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