Chart: 2011

A very random and rather restrictive way of showing my various relationships with important people in my life is back by popular demand (one person asked, but seeing as I like him I'll do it - this is for you!), that's right, it's chart time!
So it's been a year since the last chart was published and a certain someone pointed out to me that it is in need of updating with the inclusion of new people. Last time I said I would explain each individual but only managed to explain Alec's graph but seeing as its now summer and I have time to burn I will give it a go! So without further ado, here is the state of affairs in 2011:

(The graph looks a lot busier thanks to the four new people so if you click the image you'll be able to see it full-size. It looks better, trust me.)
Four new people? Yes indeedy, namely Furey, Josie, Karin & Lleucu - I will begin writing about them soon so look out for them! 


I will explain the graph in better detail soon but for now, here's the key:
S1 - 2006                                                  7 - Unknown/Dislike
S2 - 2007                                                  6 - Neutral
S3 - 2008                                                  5 - Friend
S4 - 2009 (Jan - Aug)                                 4 - Close friend
S5 - 2009 (Sep - Dec)                                 3 - Confidant
S6 - 2010 (Jan - Aug)                                 2 - Attracted to/Feelings for
S7 - 2010 (Sep - Dec)                                 1 - Life consuming obsession
S8 - 2011                                                

As Alec has been covered before I will update and re-post the previous post about him so it tallys with the graph very soon and then I shall move on to Dima - you can read a lot more on my relationship with him in the First Love series which I will hopefully be going over very soon and maybe adding a little more to bring the story up to date.

Thanks as always, dear readers, for your comments and e-mails, and sorry for my very sporadic posting. Hope to be solving that in the next few days!
Diolch am ddarllen,
Liam x

Game On

I hate summer. I really, really do. I'm not a fan of the sun, I cannot deal with the heat and I always seem to get a cold whenever the weather warms up and who could forget the hey fever? Besides all of that, last summer was a nightmare, I barely saw anyone and spent most of my time in a depressed mood - bad times! This summer, however, is different. Though I still hate summer and all the illnesses it means for me, I have spent much more face time with people and my mental state has improved a lot since then so even if I am having a slow day my moodiness doesn't take over.


I have done the usual social stuff, shopping in town, chats, catch-ups, films, BBQs, etc, etc and recently did something unexpected. It all started with a simple game of Buzz! (a very fun and competitive PS3 quiz game if you haven't heard of it, you lay with buzzers that light up, it's so much fun! (childishness showing here)). There were just the 3 of us, the inaccurately named '3 gay musketeers' (me being the only gay of the gay musketeers, plus we lack muskets), when one of the straighties spotted Monopoly on top of my wardrobe and suggested we play despite the fact it was the Welsh edition - it's all in Welsh and I'm the only Welsh speaker of us, feeling rather special right about now! Anyway it was great fun, although the winner was totally unexpected and he crushed us. It was humiliating.


So to save our pride we arranged another game session. We started with another couple of games of Buzz! (both of which I won - genius!) before moving on to Star Wars Monopoly. I have a few problems with this edition. The money and places are very weird and the rules are ludicrous. You can either play Monopoly, proper rules and whatnot, or you can play Star Wars rules, or as I dubbed it, cheating. From what I recall the rules involved being able to steal other people's properties, and rolling a snake eyes would allow you to move any where on the board. Cheating. Pure and simple. I of course insisted we didn't cheat and play properly, and of course I got my way - childishness has its uses! We ended the game before anyone had the chance to win so we could play Risk, only one of us knew how to play and it wasn't me. So after a lengthy 30-minute explanation of gameplay we finally got to it and it was actually more fun than I expected. I assumed it was, dare I say, nerdy in that it would be similar to Dungeons & Dragons, it's not and I enjoyed it even though I came last.


Anyways, the point of this post? In the last fortnight or so I've been a bit up & down with my mood and these games nights have really helped cheer me up and have fun when my mind may have other ideas, so I shall use this post to thank my fellow 'gay musketeers' and to wish my readers a fabulous summer! I have been reading and replying to emails (sorry if I haven't gotten to you yet) so let me know how your summer's going.


Diolch am ddarllen,
Liam x    

First Love VII: Satellite

Unfortunately I am gonna have to withhold some information on this one – I know on all the other posts I haven’t held back any details but this one I really have to because it’s based on a promise I don’t intend on breaking. It is significant to the story but so is the promise I’m keeping and that takes precedence.



Right, so the summer holidays had already begun, the final summer holidays before people would move away to study at university. I like to call this period ‘The Calm’ (the aptly named period of peace from the amazing Final Fantasy X), exams were over, there was work to get on with or anything and things were settling down and there were no big issues to sort out. Good, good times. Anyway, one of my favourite past times was heading into Cardiff to do some clothes shopping and, well, shopping in general if I had the money. Things had settled and kinda stabilised between Dima and I so we went into Cardiff together to do a bit of clothes shopping. Sun, clothes and good company – it was a great day. So we browsed and went back and forth between various clothes shops and just chatted about random, general things before saying he had something to tell me. So we stopped for food, though I didn’t eat because I still felt queasy after the train, motion sickness is not fun! Now this is where the withheld information is withheld, the something he had to tell me was and is totally secret and always had been since. Anyway after this my feelings for him came flooding back and what was a great day began crashing all around me and I felt awful for having let myself give in to these feelings again, feelings which have remained pretty much unchanged up to now.


Through all this though I am immensely happy that Dima felt he could trust me with what it was he told me especially because of the subject matter itself. I am sorry that to readers who won’t know what I’m on about will no doubt be confused about this but the essentials are in this part anyway; we went out, he told me something, feelings came flooding back. I will also have to skip a few events I think are significant to this story because they heavily involve the premise of the unbreakable promise (I might call it that from now as it sounds even more secret!) but there is more interesting stuff to go through so don’t fret if you don’t know what I’m on about.


Thanks for reading :)
Engill x

First Love VI: Love Is A War

I was finally getting my life back on track, there were no problems with any friends, school work was on the up just in time for the A2 exams and it seemed that all it took was the Eurovision Song Contest! Plans for this year's Eurovision are well under way! Unfortunately it seems that when things are going well for me something bad has to happen. After severing ties with Milica for calling me a liar, Welsh lessons with her became awkward and friends from the girls school began taking sides openly and in secret. I had unfortunately lost a good friend because this, we're friends again now but at thetime it was difficult, but some other members of the Welsh class did belive me and would sympathise with my situation - my situation was nothing compared to that of Milica and Alec of course but having been called a liar brought up fears from my past. In the past I was a bully basically, I lied to get what I wanted and I would hurt anyone who crossed me, I really wasn't a nice person so I am incredibly lucky to have such great friends now.

Things began to settle down aroung the time of the exams, I was dreading doing badly in a politics paper I was now resitting for the third time though some tensions still existed and the rumor mill was still in perfectly functioning condition. My allegiance rested with Alec and I tried my best to sympathise with him though I could not totally understand his situation, he & Milica had a long-term relationship and I've never been in one so my ability to sympathise was limited. The exam period flew by and I felt I had done well in most exams dreading only my politics result because I was so looking forward to studying International Politics & Welsh at Aberystwyth Uni - ended up with 2 Bs and an A so not too bad at all! And so all that was left to in year 13 was endure the Valendictory dinner in Cardiff.

The head boy was responsible for seating and I was not too pleased to discover I had been seated on the same table as Milica, could do without having to ignore someone for a night but some people had said she was hinting (or attention seeking, however you wanna see it) that she would not go. On the night she did make an appearence (surprise, surprise) though she was 'drunk', her acting was appauling she'd forget at times she was supposed to pretend to be drunk. She spoke only to a shared friend of ours, also sat at our table, though we decided to make up and forgive each other. At times she would laugh randomly in an attempt to keep up the attention pretence. Toward the end of the night she began crying and became inconsolable and she asked a friend several times to convince Alec to speak to her. After they had spoken and Milica left early because she was 'too drunk', Alec and I went outside to talk and he was adament nothing had changed, I knew he was lying but I thought it best to leave it.

On reflection immediately after the night, I had noticed Dima had been rude toward Milica which upset her, she later told me he was being unfair and had no reason to ignore her so in response I spoke to him less and thought a lot less of him thinking he was just being petty. I was able to do this at the time because I had no real feelings for him after all the complications we had had in the past, and I found it easier to dislike him over silly little things. I realise now that I was trying to desperately sever my feelings for him quickly and that I was definately going about it the wrong way.

To summarise, at this point I was very quickly going off Dima, barely speaking to him at all, I was friends with Milica again though the friendship was fragile, and it was the beginning of the summer holidays before we would all begin university. Time was slipping away and it would look as though this would end the story...
Thanks for reading.
Engill
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Pre-Pasg: Wednesday 24 March 10

This is pretty much just a diary entry summarising the last couple of days in Aber before the Easter (Pasg in Welsh) holidays. Why? Because I can :)

A couple of weekends before this final week some friends and I spent a weekend in Barry and had made some definite plans for people to come up and visit - actually this was just convenient as Alec was going to Aber for an open day. Sports sceince or something equally un-university-sounding (love you really!). The point was my two best frineds were coming up to my amazing little town as were two other friends so it was promising to be a great couple of days. In the lead up to their arrival I, obviously, got very excited but was given a cautionary/paranoid-y kinda 'warning' namely "oh and ju[s]t so you know, i hope you dont expect me to be with you all the time // may just spend time with just [__] or me and [__] might go somewhere alone and i want to spend time with [__] before she goes on thurs" Initial response? Yeah... thanks for that Dima. Wasn't expecting that at all and now just felt a tiny bit insecure.

So the 4 'Barrians' arrive and Kai & I show Alec and another friend to the Sport Science department and then showed the others around our halls of residence, before going out for dinner and then a walk around town. It was nice having this time with Dima again but I tried not to make so much effort with him as per his comment. Anyway we met up with the other two later and we went for food in Pantycelyn, I paid, I'm nice like that (!) and Alec came back to my room to get ready to go out later that night. I had planned on going but had an essay to do for the following day so that was a no-go. Alec & I had a little catch-up and a chat while he got ready, still can't believe I actually did his ironing for him, then I showed him to Kai's room where everyone else was getting ready for the night out.

A little while later Alec, Dima & another friend show up - Dima wanted me to get on with my essay so that I could go out whereas the other two came down to take advantage of my PS3 ownership. Dima soon left and the three of us who were left just talked, unfortunately I was the only non-hetero there and they began talking about hetero things, things I don't much care to type up to be honest!! Either way it ended up with me accidentally finding out that Alec had slept with my cousin and I was extremely annoyed that he had not shared this information with me before. This ultimately brought up a past issue, Alec had outed me to my sister and funnily enough I wasn't too happy about it.

The third person left Alec & I alone as tensions soared. It turned out that Alec & my sister were walking home together from a birthday party and my sister had asked him if I was gay - he doesn't remember telling her but it's obvious he had, he said he was drunk which is the lamest excuse in the history of the world. He apologised but I was too angry and upset at this point to care. Dima came in, no doubt as a result of me being the topic of conversation upstairs, and did his best to cheer me up but was unsuccessful. They both left me now, Dima still pushed me to get the essay done so I could come out. Instead of doing the essay I cried, relieving the upset, then I just got up from my computer chair and trashed my room, thereby relieving the anger. By the time Dima and everyone else was on the way out I was still tidying up after my freak-out. 

I spent the next three/four hours struggling through my essay and trying to calm down, I didn't want to fall out with Alec but this was big. I went to meet up with the group after the Student Union closed around 3am-ish so that I could get Alec into the building. We got back to my room and silence fell immediately breaking only when Alec began a string of apologies. I realised that he was too close a friend to just not forgive him at that time, I owed him that much after everything he's done for me. He also promised to buy me a teddy which had nothing to do with my forgiving him so quickly...

After our long chat the tension faded and we of course stayed friends, it was about 4/5am when we went to bed (seperate beds obvioulsy) and the night ended on good terms and I would be sad to see him go later that morning.

Engill x 

Massive Thanks

MASSIVE thanks to Dima for my amazing teddy gift!!! His name is Didrik (even though he is clearly Welsh, but I already have a Welsh-named ted) and I am insanely in love with his tiny little ears and his cool "I ♥ Wales" jumper. Been nagging Dima for God knows how long to get me a ted but I never thought he would!! So thank you soooooooo much - I love him to pieces and of course I love you too :)

Engill x

PS - thanks also to Alice for that extra little push ;) x

First Love V Part 2: Douze Points!

You may have guessed from the title of this installment that the special anual event I referred to is, of course, the Eurovision Song Contest. I am an absolutely massive fan and before the 2009 contest I had had simply watched it either alone or with my family but now I wanted to make it a proper party. All was looking good for Eurovision night, people had dropped out but there was still a good collection of my friends going. The Final was on the 16th and I was fully prepared, I was not, however, prepared for May 15th. Dima had made a comment about hating me, another joke with disasterous effects. In response to this I told him not to bother coming if he didn't like me which didn't seem to bother him at all - much to my annoyance. So I had started the day losing one of my best friends and the one guy I cared more about than anyone in the world. Great. Then while waiting for a lift from Milica she tells me that she & Alec have decided to split up which made me feel upset for them as they had been together a very long time, she assured me that both of them would attend my EuroParty and that it wouldn't be "awkward". After discussing what would happen Eurovision night with Milica and another girl who was invited (who had now decided to drop out to) I texted Dima telling him he was still welcome as he is still a friend.

Eurovision was amazing! Russia had staged the best ever contest and the party went rather well too as everyone had a great time too, with the exception of Alec & Milica who coursed through the night with little or no interaction whatsoever. The party had put an end to my long spell of unpopularity and I started to build back lost or damaged relationships. Things stayed awkward between Alec & Milica for a while then the inevitable happened - people began taking sides. There were no arguments so there were never any real tensions people just tended to sympathise more with one than the other solely dependent on how close they were as friends before this. I tried my absolute best to remain close friends with both of them but Milica was beginning to use the break-up as some form of attention seeking skill. She had made out, quite publicly that Alec was desperate, verging on being a stalker and I couldn't let that happen. I told Alec what Milica had said with the promise that he would not take this information to her - which he did. Milica told him, and others, that I was a two-faced liar which instantly ended our friendship. This made me closer with Alec and, by proxy, with Dima as those two were now extremely close friends.

Unfortunately Alec would battle with these issues for a while but he confided in me to a point which made us closer and we spent more time together than ever before which would mean spending more time now with Dima too. By this point I had realised that my feelings for Dima had all but disappeared as there were so many ups and downs in such a short space of time that it was possible that I had just broken ties with him emotionally. We were friends again and the three of us did more together though I still played more of a 'third wheel' kind of role but I was happy just to have two great friends.

Another happy ending, though as you no have doubt guessed 'ending' is not the right word. But it'll do for now ;)
Thanks for reading.
Engill
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First Love V Part 1: The Rebound

It had been a while now since the last film night, the final 'Fanyastic 4' get together. We all remianed friends though I sought for a close relationship with someone new. Milica was Alec's girlfriend, we had Welsh together and spent a lot of time together through Alec at first but we soon became close without the middle link. A kind of calm had fallen upon our large 6th Form clique which was a well welcomed relief to the usual high tensions we faced on a daily basis. Milica & I had gotten rather close now to the point where there would be no secrets between us and we'd often be seen together, she had even began trusting me enough to talk about her relationship with Alec, one of my best friends. Unfortunately, her feelings seemed all over the place - she would complain when Alec would leave her 'alone' (she was usually still with other friends) but complain when he stayed with her as he was 'annoying'. Clearly a lose-lose situation there.

Someone had come up with an idea to go camping in the summer after year 13 had ended and before people would move away to Universities across Britain which proved to be a popular idea at first. Pretty much anyone interested was welcome which included Milica & I. In a conversation about the trip (which at that point was still totally unplanned) Dima had joked that the trip would be better if only guys would go, the problem was the way he had said it did not make it clear it was a joke, nor did he apologise (immediately) when people took offence. This joke created a clear division between in the clique with some supporting Milica's offense - this included me - and those who thought people were over-reacting to Dima's comment - who, funnily enough, were mainly guys who had not been present when Dima made the comment. I totally over-reacted to the whole scenario using this as a chance to take all my feelings out on Dima which resulted in Milica & I isolating ourselves from the rest of the clique and ultimately deciding not to go camping.

With divisions becoming apparant and with relationships breaking down Milica & I became quite unpopular and we used this to be horrible, bitchy people as we are fairly similar people. We are both effective at manipulating people and playing with emotions and we just did this for sport. Even with this we had managed to keep some closer friends though even those relationships looked ready to break. It had come to a point where I really only had Milica to turn to when I needed someone when before I could have gone to Dima, an impossible thought now. Meanwhile one of my most looked-forward to events of the year was quickly approaching (in May) and I had been planning how to make it an even better event since October. People had been invited to this event in November/December and there were drop-outs and major uncertainties, especially with Dima as our relationship was at an all time low, but I was willing to change to make my plans succesful...

Thanks for reading.
Engill
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First Love IV: 'The Fantastic Four'

Everyone (well everyone who mattered) was up to date with my feelings for Dima, a secret that had tortured me for a while but now it was out in the open and everyone was ok with it - he was ok with it, that was all that mattered. Our friendship was better than ever though my jealousy and clinginess was understandably annoying for Dima. So our relationship was up and down but when it was up, which was most of the time, I was immensly happy. Life pretty much went on without any problems, no drama, nothing.

Kai had an idea to hold film nights, specifically to view a list of cult films he, Dima and another friend Lena had compiled in their Media Studies lessons. I was fortunate to be asked along and the first one I remember was Fight Club at Dima's house. It would be the four of us plus two other friends and this was meant to be a kind of fixed group and we'd all take turns in hosting a film night. I barely knew Lena, only ever talking to her through/with Dima or Kai but we instantly connected at Dima's house after the film as we simultaneously threw the same dance move to Britney Spears' Toxic. To be totally honest I hadn't taken to her at first because I had a feeling Dima 'liked' her.

So weeks pass by and the group whittles down to just the four of us: Dima, Kai, Lena & I and by now talking about our personal lives completely overshadowed whatever film was on in the background. The final meeting was at Lena's house and the film to ignore was Donnie Darko. Dima sat most of the night with his arms crossed, not getting involved in conversation which Lena took to mean she had done something wrong. After hours of awkward silences and conversations we left but after Dima's actions I was not in a good mood and decided to blank both he & Kai on the ride home by listening to my iPod.

Not long after this final disasterous film night I realised that Dima had not nor would not confide in me which made me feel really low, he had confided in Kai though.I felt out of the loop and so once the Dima dubbed 'Fantastic Four' broke up I severed links with all of them, finding a new friend and confidant in another friend's (Alec) girlfriend, Milica. Dima eventually told me that he had feelings for Lena and was rather torn up about how he felt for her. Him telling me he had feelings for a girl were double-sided for me: good that he could trust me to tell me he had feelings for someone and, of course, bad in that I had to live with the fact the guy I had feelings for had feelings for someone else.Ulitmately I was just happy to know he could trust me and talk to me. 

The Fantastic Four had broken up and I distanced myself from the other three, this would later turn out to be a bad move but for now I was just recovering from another burst bubble in my life.
Thanks for reading.
Engill
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First Love III: Coming Out

So, idiotic things. And they are? Well they can range from very small things to larger things so I'll start from the smaller idiotic things. First off I imagined that Dima just plain disliked me based on the fact that he would go out and I would not be invited, regardless of the fact he was not responsible for the inviting but rather he was invited out so my paranoia was totally unnecessary. Later I'd fall out with one of my girlfriends because I had somehow managed to convince myself that she was seeing Dima in secret regardless of the fact she was in a very closed relationship with another friend. The most idiotic thing though was that I was willing to make things much more complicated than they ever needed to be. Alec, one of my closest friends, knew of my secret and was supportive. Dima already suspected something was going on mainly because I was going to tell him the truth but found myself unable but I had to come up with an answer. I decided to tell him that I had feelings for Alec. Totally untrue but it wouldn't have harmed anyone. Alec and Kai (another friend who knew) thought it was a terrible idea and were not happy for me to do it.

The same night I had decided on my crazy plan I was on msn with Kai and Dima, fully prepared to tell Dima my latest lie. Kai meanwhile was telling me not to do it and that I should tell the truth explaining what had happened before. Kai had only joined the same school as Dima and I in 6th form and so he would not have known about the first time. After this he assured me things would not be the same though I was fully intent on going ahead with my plan. He then told me he has already told Dima my secret. My thoughts started racing and I instantly broke down into tears, I was upset and angry all at the same time and got so overwhelmed I left the conversation mid-flow to be sick. I was far from happy with Kai for this.

On my return to the computer I still went ahead with my plan this time intending to make out Kai was a liar. Dima however confronted me. My heart sank and I was close to being sick again. But he told me not to worry, that he had grown up emotionally now and was able to deal with this, saying that he wouldn't let this ruin our friendship. I was now feeling much more at ease and happy while stupid for underestimating him. Before leaving msn he waited for me to assure him I was ok when usually he wouldn't hang around after declaring he'd leave. To this day I vividly remember that night and the thought makes me happy because it was a clear foundation of our close friendship which of course I am grateful for and am thankful for everyday.

Waw, ending on a lighter note, different, though this is not a happy ending. More soon! Thanks for reading.
Engill
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First Love II: Summer Loving

Dima finally began talking to me again though he remained distant, spending as little time as possible with me and just being civil. Eventually I just told him I was over him and saw him as no more than a friend. I didn't like lying to him but I'd rather do that and remain his friend than have him cringe and hide away from me, unable to deal with my feelings for him. I began to suffer in silence but luckily some other friends of mine knew my secret and I could rely on them to vent, to share and this continued for a couple of years into 6th Form.

Summer 2008, about 2 years after I first realised I had feelings for Dima. I still had feelings for him but they were much less prominent in my life now, we had all matured emotionally since GCSE years. I had a bf now, Elnur, I was really happy being with him and it was really special because we had a long history, we used to be best friends in primary school until he moved away to England so to find each other years later and start a relationship was amazing and I was truly happy. Unfortunately I spent a lot of time over the summer with Dima and my feelings for him began to take over my life once again. Regardless of the fact I had a bf I constantly thought about Dima and stayed up into the early hours talking to him on msn because I never had to make an effort to talk to him. Not long before starting the new school term I broke up with Elnur because I felt so guilty for being so heavily in love with someone else and the worst thing was Elnur was so nice about it. I wanted so much for him to hate me or to at least be upset, but for him to 'understand' was really difficult for me to live with.

After I while I re-evaluated what I had done. I had broken up with someone who made me happy because I was in love with a straight guy. Idiot. But would it really have been fair to Elnur to continue seeing him while loving someone else? Anyway, socialising with Dima became a nightmare. I grew extremely jealous of him spending time with other people and I was deeply upset when he didn't turn up for school. I was obsessed and it wasn't long until Dima started to get annoyed with me. We spent months falling out and then going on as if nothing happened and during all this my secret was making me do irrational, stupid things. People who did know my secret told me time and time again that I should just tell him but instead I did some really idiotic things.

There's still a bit to go on this story but for now, thanks for reading.
Engill
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First Love

It's never simple is it? This story goes back about 3 years to when I was in year 11, not long before the GCSEs. I had decided to come out but I thought I'd start out by only telling my friends, both of who, thankfully, took it better than I expected. I was more pessimistic than I needed to be. I was and still am very grateful I had two frinds in particular to turn to, two people I could talk to and rely on and I guess this is around the time the founding links of the modern day 'musketeers' (one of the three of us recently deemed us 'the gay musketeers' despite me being the only gay guy) began. Now that I was out I felt more at ease amongst my friends and so I started to open up and my friends did the same in return. I soon realised that I was beginning to like one of my friends as more than a friend.

I felt some kind of great gratitude for the friend I first came out to (again for anonymity purposes he'll be named Dima). My feelings for him kinda exploded one day when I was starting to feel victimised at school by someone for being gay and I left fully intent on going home when Dima came after me. He talked to me and made sure I was ok, convincing me to stay in school and speaking out against the guy who had offended me (the words 'my hero' spring to mind). This was definately more than friendship. For me anyway. He was and is straight but that didn't stop me really caring about him and thinking about him. He'd already proved himself to be a great guy by being a great friend, he was everything. Funny, considerate, really, effortlessly clever, popular and to top it off really attractive. It was clear I had developed feelings for him and I told myslef that I'd have to tell him.

He wasn't too happy about what I had to tell him. I didn't know how to tell him so it ended up coming out like "I really like you, I think I'm attracted to you" Clear and precise, well done me... Dima was clearly not prepared for this news and freaked out in his own little way. For the next month or so he just blanked and avoided me. No doubt he hoped that by doing that I'd move on sooner or later but I didn't. I continued to think about him and long after him, distraught and disheartened by the fact he was being like that. In classes where we sat together he moved away or put others between us, it was a really awful month and I would spend days at a time being so low that I didn't dare face school. 

Just like a first love, this story isn't as simple as it seems either. This part is a bit lengthy so I'm gonna cut it here. Thanks for reading.
Engill
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