About an hour or so after I discovered Dew's secret and had left him at the Aberystwyth Arts Centre he came to find me, not that I was difficult to find as I was in my room. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to him, if I could talk to him without getting any angrier or more upset. "Are you ok?" was the first thing he said and I just stared at him as if to say 'What do you think?' He had picked up on this so he began apologising and telling me he wasn't sure how I'd deal with it but I was still so angry that I recoiled as he approached me which made him stop abruptly. He asked me to give him the chance to explain but I didn't answer. I did want to hear what he'd come up with because then I could decide if this was something I could get over. He told me he comes from a very strong Christian background, his family, his community back home are both highly religious and though they are not 'actively against' homosexuality, they still are 'traditional' when then issue arises. I started to feel guilty and began apologising to him for being so inconsiderate and selfish, though he didn't accept my apologies. We agreed to stay together and this time I knew exactly why our relationship wouldn't be public and it didn't wholly bother me because I was happy with Dew. We spent the remainder of that night together.
The Christmas holidays were fast approaching and the time Dew & I spent together was increasing even if it was a trip to the library to revise, I secretly loved these little trips because he looked even smarter with a pile of books in front him accompanied by the backdrop of the Hugh Owens Library. The last few weeks of term were great for me because of the time I spent with Dew and every now and then he'd buy me little things which he said would add up to a 'Christmas surprise', we even sent a few more nights together. Pantycelyn were hosting a Christmas dinner so Dew & I decided to go together. From what I can remember of that night (there was a lot of drinking afterwards) there was a lot of alcohol available, lots of very loud people shouting in Welsh and my very disappointing vegetarian Christmas dinner which was basically peas, potato, roast potatoes, carrots and a brie and cranberry pasty (bleurgh!). After the dinner a lot of people went out including Dew & I, Dew didn't drink but I think I managed to drink for the both of us.
Over the course of the following weekend I didn't see Dew at all so when Monday came and we walked to Welsh lectures together I wasn't expecting what he was about to say. He told me that I had drank way too much during and after the Christmas dinner which he found a little embarrassing, I promplty apologised but he said that wasn't the worst of it. Instead of heading toward the Old College he diverted us to a large park where we sat down to talk. "You talked about him" he said after a lengthy pause. I was totally confused becuase this was the first I knew I had talked abut anyone, though from where the conversation was headed I could make a guess as to who I had talked about... "What is it you love so much about Dima? I mean, you've written stuff about him specifically and not about anyone else and last night you told me and others about how 'amazing' he apparantly is. It's difficult to hear you say stuff like that, talking about another guy. Then I had to spend the night with you to stop you crying over him." My head was bowed down for the duration of that, though I raised my head at the last part as I was unaware he had spent the night with me. "Look, I really want us to work out, but all I'll be able to think about is you spending time with him" He stood up and started pacing about before finally looking at me for answer "I don't know what you want me to do" I finally replied "I mean I can't help it if we live in the same town, if we have the same friends - and regardless of whatever it is I feel for him he is my best friend so of course I'll be spending time with him but you can't seriously see him as a threat - he's straight. Nothing is ever gonna happen, I promise you". Dew sighed, shook his head and continued to pace around. "Avoid him" he said, "What? Didn't you hear what I just said? I can't just avoid him" I stood up now trying to assert myself "If you care for me at all you'll do it."
Dew headed off to the Old College leaving me with a bombshell, still sat in the park on a December morning. The day after I would return to Barry for the Christmas holidays and this would no doubt hang over me.
Engill x
Showing posts with label The Aber Affair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Aber Affair. Show all posts
01/05/2010
28/03/2010
The Aber Affair III
Dew & I were happy, that was all that mattered. We were a proper couple minus the fact it was not public but we spent so much time together in private that I didn't really care that we weren't what some might call a 'normal' couple. It was late November and the university was hosting a Christmas faire and my Christmas-obsessed friend I had met through taking Welsh was adament on going and I said that I'd tag along. I invited Dew out but he said he had already made plans that day with other friends which I didn't have a problem with at all.
It was freezing that day, not that I expected any different on a November's day in West Wales but I headed up campus regardless to meet with the xmas-fan and a couple of other friends. The faire itself was pretty boring, there were stalls everywhere selling very un-Christmassy stuff though I suppose you could categorise them under xmas gifts. On top of that there was nothing very interesting there and it was all over-priced. To top that there was a brass band playing all the old Christmas 'favourites'. In another hall there was a food market, mainly farmers selling winter veg but there were also stalls selling cakes, jam and even ice cream - Furey bought a toffee ice cream, he was clearly mad as he was only wearing a thin T-shirt and was eating ice cream in freezing conditions!
When going to the third hall of stalls which mainly sold sweets and stationary (who put those together?) I noticed Dew with a group of other people browsing just as we were. I told the people I was with I was just gonna go ahead and browse while they were looking at penguin figurines, which were mega-cute. As I approached him he moved behind a stall which was designated for Aberystwyth University's Christian Union which is when I noticed he was wearing a hoody bearing the emblem. All at once I got confused and I felt shocked and I had to leave. I sat outside for about 10 minutes when the Christian Union congregated outside and started handing out free hot drinks to visitors. Dew spotted me and in an instant I got up from where I was sat and just hurried past him heading back to Pantycelyn.
Not once did I look back and by this time I had grown angry, why had he hidden this from me? It's not like I have a problem with Christianity but this led me to think that perhaps this had something to do with his breaking up with me in the first place. I had to confront him, if anything just to hush the hundreds of questions soaring through my head.
Engill x
It was freezing that day, not that I expected any different on a November's day in West Wales but I headed up campus regardless to meet with the xmas-fan and a couple of other friends. The faire itself was pretty boring, there were stalls everywhere selling very un-Christmassy stuff though I suppose you could categorise them under xmas gifts. On top of that there was nothing very interesting there and it was all over-priced. To top that there was a brass band playing all the old Christmas 'favourites'. In another hall there was a food market, mainly farmers selling winter veg but there were also stalls selling cakes, jam and even ice cream - Furey bought a toffee ice cream, he was clearly mad as he was only wearing a thin T-shirt and was eating ice cream in freezing conditions!
When going to the third hall of stalls which mainly sold sweets and stationary (who put those together?) I noticed Dew with a group of other people browsing just as we were. I told the people I was with I was just gonna go ahead and browse while they were looking at penguin figurines, which were mega-cute. As I approached him he moved behind a stall which was designated for Aberystwyth University's Christian Union which is when I noticed he was wearing a hoody bearing the emblem. All at once I got confused and I felt shocked and I had to leave. I sat outside for about 10 minutes when the Christian Union congregated outside and started handing out free hot drinks to visitors. Dew spotted me and in an instant I got up from where I was sat and just hurried past him heading back to Pantycelyn.
Not once did I look back and by this time I had grown angry, why had he hidden this from me? It's not like I have a problem with Christianity but this led me to think that perhaps this had something to do with his breaking up with me in the first place. I had to confront him, if anything just to hush the hundreds of questions soaring through my head.
Engill x
27/03/2010
Update: The Aber Affair
It's been a while since I blogged about this story mainly because there are deeper complications to it than I originally thought. Originally the entries mentioned that Dew had a boyfriend and that was the reason the relationship was complicated. Since the last entry my closest friends have learnt the truth so I have now updated the two original posts on the topic to include the truth. I'll explain why I felt I had to lie in the coming posts.
The Aber Affair
The Aber Affair II
Engill x
The Aber Affair
The Aber Affair II
Engill x
10/01/2010
The Aber Affair II
Ok, so I left this story off after I'd been dumped (too soon after my birthday) and him telling me he won't see me again "for my own good". The Sunday after the break-up (the next day) I slowly recovered from feeling ill while privately trying to get over my most recent heart-ache. I tried to keep busy, do the laundry, attempt some homework/revision, tidy up but I just ended up sobbing under the covers. I'm not known for my dignity.
It had been just over a week until he started talking to me again, he approached me in the kitchen. We exchanged niceties using words of just one syllable and I made the effort to leave as quickly as possible to hide in the confines of my room. The next morning I left for a lecture, it was early so the halls were quiet and I didn't expect to see many people around yet there he stood. Dew was stood outside my door waiting for me intent on walking me to my lecture so that we could talk. As I did the next several times he waited I told him I didn't want to walk anywhere with him. It went on for a while. He would wait outside my room when we had lectures together, he'd wait outside lecture rooms for me too. It was becoming unbearable and I was about to snap. I couldn't let this go on.
I gave in, after weeks of waiting outside my door and after weeks of rejection, Dew still looked at me hopefully when I left to go to a lecture and I began talking to him. Again just the niceties when he stopped me on the way to the lecture hall. "Look, I can't keep away from you like this" he said looking directly into my eyes, I tried hard not to stare back "I know I wasn't specific when I broke up with you but trust me it is really important to me, it's a big part of my life. So are you - why else would I spend all my time with you and all this time waiting for you?" I just walked on, I didn't want to hear this, I was welling up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back before kissing me and again I just gave in. We were back on and I was somebody's 'dirty little secret'. I was such a secret even I didn't know what I was secret from. The joys of relationships.
This was both one of the high points and low points of uni for me as I had a bf, a really nice guy who actually really cared about me but at the same time he was hiding from something and keeping something from me but of course I never focused on the bad I was just happy to be with him. The only downside I could think of was whether I genuinely like him or whether I was trying to replace my feelings for somebody else...
Engill x
It had been just over a week until he started talking to me again, he approached me in the kitchen. We exchanged niceties using words of just one syllable and I made the effort to leave as quickly as possible to hide in the confines of my room. The next morning I left for a lecture, it was early so the halls were quiet and I didn't expect to see many people around yet there he stood. Dew was stood outside my door waiting for me intent on walking me to my lecture so that we could talk. As I did the next several times he waited I told him I didn't want to walk anywhere with him. It went on for a while. He would wait outside my room when we had lectures together, he'd wait outside lecture rooms for me too. It was becoming unbearable and I was about to snap. I couldn't let this go on.
I gave in, after weeks of waiting outside my door and after weeks of rejection, Dew still looked at me hopefully when I left to go to a lecture and I began talking to him. Again just the niceties when he stopped me on the way to the lecture hall. "Look, I can't keep away from you like this" he said looking directly into my eyes, I tried hard not to stare back "I know I wasn't specific when I broke up with you but trust me it is really important to me, it's a big part of my life. So are you - why else would I spend all my time with you and all this time waiting for you?" I just walked on, I didn't want to hear this, I was welling up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back before kissing me and again I just gave in. We were back on and I was somebody's 'dirty little secret'. I was such a secret even I didn't know what I was secret from. The joys of relationships.
This was both one of the high points and low points of uni for me as I had a bf, a really nice guy who actually really cared about me but at the same time he was hiding from something and keeping something from me but of course I never focused on the bad I was just happy to be with him. The only downside I could think of was whether I genuinely like him or whether I was trying to replace my feelings for somebody else...
Engill x
07/01/2010
The Aber Affair
Back in October 2009, almost 2 months after first moving to Aber, I started seeing this guy a lot (for the purposes of anonymity we'll call him Dew), he'd walk me to lectures, seminars, to the library and I'd do the same for him, then it became things like going shopping, to the cinema, to the beach and eventually we just ended up spending a lot of time in each others rooms, not alone obviously that'd be weird. We were getting closer and closer and then we finally did something affectionate, we hugged - gotta start somewhere. It was Friday 6 November and we got together to watch Twilight, I just got it on blu-ray and as my first blu-ray I wanted to see how it would compare. So we're both sat on the bed when he puts his arm around me and I lean in closer, resting beside him. I was so happy in that moment, not just because it finally seemed we were going somewhere (relationship-wise) but because as it turns out blu-rays are really good!
We'd been bf & bf for about a week now when my birthday came up, Thursday 12 November, and I had planned to go out Friday night to 'celebrate' me turning 19 with some friends but Dew said he wouldn't be able to make it because he was going home for the weekend. It'd been planned a while so I didn't mind, I was a little upset but he had taken me out for dinner on the 12th. Unfortunately, Saturday I drank a little too much, too quickly before even going out so I was sick but my friends and I still went up to Yr Undeb (the student union). I drank a bit more but was starting to feel sick again so I left early around 1 while my friends stayed on. So I got back and Dew was on msn, he asked how my night had been so I told him and he said "awww, hold on a min, i'll ring you now" We talked a bit more about what I got up to and how he was back at home then he tells me we need to stop seeing each other. It was so unexpected I thought perhaps it was a joke. He told me there was something going on that I shouldn't concern myself over but that that something meant we couldn't be together.
Basically I found a guy I really like who dumped me shortly after my birthday for an unknown reason. Great. I would soon discover the reason though.
Thanks for reading
Engill x
We'd been bf & bf for about a week now when my birthday came up, Thursday 12 November, and I had planned to go out Friday night to 'celebrate' me turning 19 with some friends but Dew said he wouldn't be able to make it because he was going home for the weekend. It'd been planned a while so I didn't mind, I was a little upset but he had taken me out for dinner on the 12th. Unfortunately, Saturday I drank a little too much, too quickly before even going out so I was sick but my friends and I still went up to Yr Undeb (the student union). I drank a bit more but was starting to feel sick again so I left early around 1 while my friends stayed on. So I got back and Dew was on msn, he asked how my night had been so I told him and he said "awww, hold on a min, i'll ring you now" We talked a bit more about what I got up to and how he was back at home then he tells me we need to stop seeing each other. It was so unexpected I thought perhaps it was a joke. He told me there was something going on that I shouldn't concern myself over but that that something meant we couldn't be together.
Basically I found a guy I really like who dumped me shortly after my birthday for an unknown reason. Great. I would soon discover the reason though.
Thanks for reading
Engill x
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