More depressing news from me I'm afraid, I don't seem to post any happy stuff on this blog, sorry about that. I've put off posting for a bit because I've been plagued with one problem and I didn't really wanna post about it, thinking it would go away but it hasn't. I'm hoping that by getting this out there I will miraculously relieved of this ever increasing burden I'm feeling. If you don't fancy being depressed/bored out of your skull, look away now.
In a previous post I mentioned another inconvenient infatuation, an annoying reality for a lot of us I imagine but when you're a gay guy falling for a straight guy, there are, obviously, major problems at play. I've only really noticed my infatuation for this guy late last month (January) so it's a fairly recent thing and I will hopefully get over it very soon. But you know what it's like when you like someone, you think about them all the time, you'll try and spend as much time as possible with them and, failing that, texting or facebook are used a lot - already doing these. A lot.
So, problem number 1 is how your object of your affection perceives you, because that will undoubtedly effect everything; the way you act, talk, think, everything. I didn't tell the guy how I felt at first, that in itself has a minefield of issues, the main one being how will they react? But as I've said, I did eventually tell him and he was fine with it and has not treated me any differently which I do think is a good thing because, regardless of everything else or how I'm feeling, we're friends and I wouldn't want that to change. At the moment nothing has really changed s there isn't much of a problem there but with the texting and time spent with him I am in constant fear of changing that which would really upset me.
Problem number 2 is me. The way I act and talk with/around him is under constant scrutiny - by myself. If I do this, say that, send this, blah, blah, blah, how will he react and will it cause a problem friend-wise? This kind of thinking leads to over-thinking immensely to the point where I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep because I think about stuff before bed and when I wake up in the morning which creates a kind of perpetual hell. I've been through this before and I have learned some lessons but the fact that it can effect me so much and make a good day turn bad (today for example), or a bad day turn worse and the fact that it can really upset me and make me feel a bit depressed annoys me and I just get angry with myself.
Ultimately, what I want is to stop having feelings for this guy and to just carry on as normal, as friends but neither my stupid head nor heart will allow that, for now at least. It's things like this that make me have really negative views of love, it's something that can take over and it's something so far out of your control that you have no hope of sorting it out properly yourself. It also really angers me because in the past, as well as now, it has created problems between myself and friends and puts me in a constant state of paranoia because the last thing I want to do is scare away my friends.
Anyway, that's more than enough of that and I'm sorry for going on about it in the first place. Just needed a chance to rant it out, it could have been worse, this could have been a Valentine's day post - how depressing would that be?
Thanks for reading,
Liam x
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