Dima finally began talking to me again though he remained distant, spending as little time as possible with me and just being civil. Eventually I just told him I was over him and saw him as no more than a friend. I didn't like lying to him but I'd rather do that and remain his friend than have him cringe and hide away from me, unable to deal with my feelings for him. I began to suffer in silence but luckily some other friends of mine knew my secret and I could rely on them to vent, to share and this continued for a couple of years into 6th Form.
Summer 2008, about 2 years after I first realised I had feelings for Dima. I still had feelings for him but they were much less prominent in my life now, we had all matured emotionally since GCSE years. I had a bf now, Elnur, I was really happy being with him and it was really special because we had a long history, we used to be best friends in primary school until he moved away to England so to find each other years later and start a relationship was amazing and I was truly happy. Unfortunately I spent a lot of time over the summer with Dima and my feelings for him began to take over my life once again. Regardless of the fact I had a bf I constantly thought about Dima and stayed up into the early hours talking to him on msn because I never had to make an effort to talk to him. Not long before starting the new school term I broke up with Elnur because I felt so guilty for being so heavily in love with someone else and the worst thing was Elnur was so nice about it. I wanted so much for him to hate me or to at least be upset, but for him to 'understand' was really difficult for me to live with.
After I while I re-evaluated what I had done. I had broken up with someone who made me happy because I was in love with a straight guy. Idiot. But would it really have been fair to Elnur to continue seeing him while loving someone else? Anyway, socialising with Dima became a nightmare. I grew extremely jealous of him spending time with other people and I was deeply upset when he didn't turn up for school. I was obsessed and it wasn't long until Dima started to get annoyed with me. We spent months falling out and then going on as if nothing happened and during all this my secret was making me do irrational, stupid things. People who did know my secret told me time and time again that I should just tell him but instead I did some really idiotic things.
There's still a bit to go on this story but for now, thanks for reading.
Engill
x
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