About an hour or so after I discovered Dew's secret and had left him at the Aberystwyth Arts Centre he came to find me, not that I was difficult to find as I was in my room. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to him, if I could talk to him without getting any angrier or more upset. "Are you ok?" was the first thing he said and I just stared at him as if to say 'What do you think?' He had picked up on this so he began apologising and telling me he wasn't sure how I'd deal with it but I was still so angry that I recoiled as he approached me which made him stop abruptly. He asked me to give him the chance to explain but I didn't answer. I did want to hear what he'd come up with because then I could decide if this was something I could get over. He told me he comes from a very strong Christian background, his family, his community back home are both highly religious and though they are not 'actively against' homosexuality, they still are 'traditional' when then issue arises. I started to feel guilty and began apologising to him for being so inconsiderate and selfish, though he didn't accept my apologies. We agreed to stay together and this time I knew exactly why our relationship wouldn't be public and it didn't wholly bother me because I was happy with Dew. We spent the remainder of that night together.
The Christmas holidays were fast approaching and the time Dew & I spent together was increasing even if it was a trip to the library to revise, I secretly loved these little trips because he looked even smarter with a pile of books in front him accompanied by the backdrop of the Hugh Owens Library. The last few weeks of term were great for me because of the time I spent with Dew and every now and then he'd buy me little things which he said would add up to a 'Christmas surprise', we even sent a few more nights together. Pantycelyn were hosting a Christmas dinner so Dew & I decided to go together. From what I can remember of that night (there was a lot of drinking afterwards) there was a lot of alcohol available, lots of very loud people shouting in Welsh and my very disappointing vegetarian Christmas dinner which was basically peas, potato, roast potatoes, carrots and a brie and cranberry pasty (bleurgh!). After the dinner a lot of people went out including Dew & I, Dew didn't drink but I think I managed to drink for the both of us.
Over the course of the following weekend I didn't see Dew at all so when Monday came and we walked to Welsh lectures together I wasn't expecting what he was about to say. He told me that I had drank way too much during and after the Christmas dinner which he found a little embarrassing, I promplty apologised but he said that wasn't the worst of it. Instead of heading toward the Old College he diverted us to a large park where we sat down to talk. "You talked about him" he said after a lengthy pause. I was totally confused becuase this was the first I knew I had talked abut anyone, though from where the conversation was headed I could make a guess as to who I had talked about... "What is it you love so much about Dima? I mean, you've written stuff about him specifically and not about anyone else and last night you told me and others about how 'amazing' he apparantly is. It's difficult to hear you say stuff like that, talking about another guy. Then I had to spend the night with you to stop you crying over him." My head was bowed down for the duration of that, though I raised my head at the last part as I was unaware he had spent the night with me. "Look, I really want us to work out, but all I'll be able to think about is you spending time with him" He stood up and started pacing about before finally looking at me for answer "I don't know what you want me to do" I finally replied "I mean I can't help it if we live in the same town, if we have the same friends - and regardless of whatever it is I feel for him he is my best friend so of course I'll be spending time with him but you can't seriously see him as a threat - he's straight. Nothing is ever gonna happen, I promise you". Dew sighed, shook his head and continued to pace around. "Avoid him" he said, "What? Didn't you hear what I just said? I can't just avoid him" I stood up now trying to assert myself "If you care for me at all you'll do it."
Dew headed off to the Old College leaving me with a bombshell, still sat in the park on a December morning. The day after I would return to Barry for the Christmas holidays and this would no doubt hang over me.
Engill x
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